Like a patient etherised upon a table

New Hair

2010-03-06T19:59:00.001-08:00

Who's Gonna Sing?

2010-02-27T08:52:00.000-08:00

So...it has been a while since I've posted and a lot has happened.

-I sprained my ankle playing football on Labor day. This meant that I rode around in one of those carts at Meijer, which was a lot of fun, and that I spent a fair amount of time on crutches, which was not fun. It has given me a new appreciation for the people who have a hard time getting around and has also left me with the fear that I will sprain my ankle again in the future.

-My beloved Celica is no longer with us. The timing belt broke and there were other problems. I could've had it fixed, but it would've been quite the chunk of change, so I scrapped it. But, my dad bought me a car for Christmas, so I am still tooling around. He got me a white 2004 Toyota Solara. It's very nice, though it's automatic and I really miss the Celica. So far, the car hasn't taken control and driven me off a cliff, though I hear that this is a possibility.

-Chris and I broke up. While I was the one who technically did the breaking up, I don't think it would be fair to say anything other than "Chris and I broke up." We're still living together, with all of my stuff in one room and all of his in another and I'm sleeping on the couch. I would like to have a bed, but other than that, it's alright and it will be like this until August. At that point, I'll stay in Lansing and he will hopefully have a job teaching at a university somewhere. I don't have any prospects beyond that at this time.

-I'm seeing a therapist. I have gone for 5 sessions now. It is alright and sometimes it seems like it's helping, though sometimes it feels like it's doing nothing at all. I'm trying to be alright completely on my own, to be able to make myself feel better and also to feel like everything will be okay, no matter what happens to me externally. I sometimes worry though that if I'm completely able to do all of these things for myself, if I don't need anyone to help me out and make me feel better, then I'll feel like there's no point to have people really close to me and I'll become bitter and cut myself off from everyone. Fingers crossed!

-I'm still trying to learn to play guitar and now I'm the closest to this goal than I've ever been before, which admittedly isn't saying much. However, I have learned enough to have recorded 2 songs which I've written. I have other songs with melody and lyrics, but I don't know how to go the next step and write the actual music to accompany them. But, here's the 2 I do have music for. Feedback is welcome.

The Flood:
http://www.mediafire.com/?ikt3n3njm4z

Little Bee:
http://www.mediafire.com/?nt3yzzftnei

The Hazards of the Royal Oak Music Theatre

2009-08-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

This past Tuesday, Chris and I traveled to Royal Oak, a suburb of Detroit, for what we thought to be the last Decemberists' show we'd see on their current tour (it turns out that they announced another Chicago show--October 8 at the Riviera--while we were waiting in line). Chris had to teach that day, so we didn't make it out to the theatre until around 2pm (which was incredibly late by my standards). And, arriving so late, we did miss chatting with some Decemberists as they walked around the food and shopping district near the venue. Apparently, Colin, Nate, Jenny, and Chris had decided to some busking that morning and made $9.25 before they were told to move along by a member of the Royal Oak Police Department. Now, Chris and I were joined at this show by a few members of the Decemberists' message board: Lisa (who joined us in Indianapolis last weekedn)drove up and a British couple, Guy and Claire, who planned a cross-country train trip around this show and who were spending the night at our place.

So, while I was a bit disappointed for having missed saying hello to band members, I was incredibly disappointed and angered by the strange ticket policy of the Royal Oak Music Theatre. From the time we arrived, we were told that there would be separate lines for people with physical tickets and people who printed off tickets after buying them from the venue's website. There was much confusion as to why there were two lines and what would happen when the doors were opened and in the end, the whole line of printed out tickets (about 100 people or so) were let in before any of us in the physical ticket line. A couple of security people handed us some line about the printed out tickets being special and for V.I.P.s, but Guy and Claire were in this line (which was a good thing since they saved us spots) and this excuse was blatantly untrue. We did get to the front, although we were kind of squeezed in and Chris had to stand behind me, but this was a ridiculous policy and I will not be visiting this theatre again (though it's a really nice venue, physically). Another problem I had with the place involved the climate inside. By the end of the first set, I was starting to feel ill. I had tried to eat and drink regularly throughout the day, but perhaps I was a little dehydrated because it was really hot in the theater and I had been rocking out to Hazards. What started as just a pain in my stomach turned into full-on retching and holding in vomit for almost the entire second Decemberists' set. Luckily, I was able to hold it in, but that meant I spent half of the show concentrating on not expelling bodily fluid, which meant I was a very passive concert-goer and felt bad about the lack of enthusiasm I displayed. After the show, I got some fresh air and eventually felt much better.

Now, before the show, when we were looking to get dinner, Chris and I passed by a small burger joint which advertised their sliders. We were intrigued and went inside to discover that the place was incredibly small and that the Decemberists' roadies were all inside waiting for their food. We said hello and stood there for about 5 minutes being ignored by the sole proprietor before we decided that we didn't have time to wait and went to Jimmy John's instead. When the roadies were setting up the stage for the Decemberists show, one of them came towards the front and told us that we had made the right decision. Apparently, one slider went down well, but not so much on the next two or three. So, now we have chatted with not only the band members on this tour, but also the roadies that travel with them.

Afterwards, as we waited around for the band and I recovered, Guy and Claire bought the poster for that night's show and also bought one for us! It was a very nice gesture, because it's a great poster, and we subsequently got all but Nate to sign it for us. I must say, despite the bullshit ticketing and the near-vomiting, Tuesday night was spectacular! We talked to everyone but Nate and had really extended conversations at that. Chris even said that we shouldn't be paying for tickets anymore since we come to so many shows that we're like family now!! So, hooray for everything working out splendidly in the end.

In other news, I have decided that I'm not going to participate in the official triathlon that is going on in Kalamazoo. I have yet to register, and so the fee is now much more expensive than it was. Instead, I will run my own official triathlon with Chris timing me. Also, I have some thoughts on District 9 (which Chris and I saw last night and very much enjoyed) and Armond White's reviews of it, but this is getting a bit long, so I'll get to that later this week, hopefully.

Everything I Try to Do, Nothing Seems to Turn Out Right

2009-08-10T12:49:00.000-07:00

Okay...here goes the recollection of all my weekend adventures.

Chicago
Bright and early Thursday morning, Chris and I got up and drove to the Metro. Our Decemberists-show friends had arranged for all of us to meet out front at 10am to wait in line for the show that night. It was perfect timing, for not long after we arrived, Chris Funk and Colin Meloy walk by (looking a bit bleary). We say hello and they walk down the street. Throughout the day, we see all of the Decemberists (and the Diamond girls), and my friend Erica got all of their autographs on a vinyl copy of Hazards of Love (which one of the Decemberists' roadies gave us for showing up so early). But, their were a couple of definite highlights. Shara Worden talked with us several times throughout the day, which was lovely. And Chris Funk, who walked past us several times, stopped once and when Chris asked if he was alright (he was looking a bit surly), told us he was hungover and chatted with us for awhile. One of my friends semi-forced him to accept a cupcake and told him stories about her not having herpes. He pointed at me at one point and asked "Haven't I met you a couple of times?" So, the moral of the story is that Chris Funk remembers me and that he had (and basically initiated) a conversation with us!

Chris and his cupcake

The cadre outside Metro

Now, the day was sailing along, but it was a bit doomed. I bought two tickets as soon as I could during the pre-sale through Music Today. For some reason, the only option I had was to accept Will Call tickets. I was a bit nervous about this and found out that night that I had every reason to be. Metro had a terrible, baffling, and incredibly unfair policy of opening the Will Call office at the same time as the doors. This meant that the people who were there all day, who bought tickets as soon as they could, and had no choice about their delivery options were screwed. I went to the Will Call window as soon as doors opened and watched a lady fumble around looking through tickets. She didn't find mine and told me I had to go out to the box office (which is a separate office next door to the venue). I ran out, ducked under a barricade, fell on the concrete and kind of somersaulted back on my feet, went to the box office, and was forced to deal with a nasty troll of a woman, who took her sweet time and told me I had to go back to the Will Call window. Chris and I rush back into the venue (but not before being harassed by a couple of security guards who were overzealous as well as incompetent), and find that there are no tickets, Metro employees don't communicate with each other, and end up getting my name checked off a list that was held by a different employee before we are allowed to enter. We rush up and are able to cut thought and get to the front, but we are now a bit to the right of center on a barricade (which was disappointing--it seems the Decemberists have reached a level of fame where there will always be a rail set up and we won't be able to stand against the stage). This was okay, except that when the Decemberists came on their staging was slightly different than usual (it's a small stage and they have a lot of equipment), and we were directly in front of Chris Funk's amps, which meant that we could definitely hear Chris (and at some points only Chris) throughout the set. It was a great show that began with "The Tain," included a brand new tune called "The Calamity Song," and ended with a second encore of "The Mariner's Revenge Song." All in all a great day with some great frustration in the middle.

On Friday, we drove down to Bloomington, IN to see our friend Hatch and to spend the night on our way to Indianapolis on Saturday. It was a very fun visit and it was nice to see the IU campus (Chris and I had never been to Bloomington and we both thought it was a very charming college town--complete with chipmunks!).

Indianapolis
We arrived at the Murat around noon and met up with a couple of girls from the Decemberists' message board (one of which was sympathetic to my recent troubles there, which made me feel a lot better about that situation).

Orate represented

We weren't expecting to see any Decemberists during the day since the door we waited outside was on the opposite side of the building as where the tour buses were so there was no need to walk past us and also there was nothing interesting near our side of the venue. Hatch had told us about about Mass Ave., which is a street next to the Murat that is lined with interesting things, so when we got hungry, Chris and I walked up and down looking for food and surveying the area. We stopped by the front of a shop and Chris peered in to check out its wares. I meanwhile, took a map of the street from just inside the door and was looking at it for a place to get food from. Chris turns around and I hear him say, "Oh, hey Colin." Colin Meloy walked up to us and began a conversation!! He asked us if there was anything we'd like to hear at the show, and I told him that we had just been talking about how none of us (Chris and I as well as the orate girls) had ever heard the band perform "Everything I Try to Do, Nothing Seems to Turn Out Right." He let us know he'd try to get it on the setlist but that it was a bit of a long shot since it had been many years since they'd ever played it together. Then, he left to go check out a record store and we went and ate some Subway. Later in the day, Chris and I decided to go to the music shop to stretch our legs and check out what an Indianapolis record store has to offer. While perusing, I looked up and saw Anne Briggs (her eponymous LP) faced out. I have been meaning to listen to her since Colin is a big fan and her EP The Hazards of Love had a hand in inspiring the Decemberists' album. So, I decided this was a pretty good sign that I should buy it and did. Perhaps Colin Meloy, while shopping there earlier, had purposely put that CD on display for someone to find or perhaps it was a coincidence. We walked back and waited some more, and then we were able to get prime position (no unprofessional and incompetent employees to deal with this time) for a great show. Hazards sounded amazing and Shara kicked a couple parts up a notch by belting out some extra notes. The second set was great and included Colin talking directly to Chris and I during the show. He told us that he tried his best to get our request in and someone right behind us in the audience caught it on film. This person uploaded several videos from the show and I think that all of them feature Chris' head in the right side of the frame.

We left right after the show to begin the four hour drive home and stopped in Anderson, IN to get some fast food. Now, I've seen some strange things in my life, but was pretty taken aback by this town not too far north of Indy. Every fast food joint in town was packed, both inside (if their dining room was open) and in the drive-thru. Every single place had at least ten cars in the drive-thru lane. Apparently, there had been a concert as well as some mixed martial arts show earlier that night. We finally got home and got some rest and now we await our last Hazards show on Tuesday in Royal Oak, MI. To sum up the weekend: a couple steps closer to having the Decemberists think that we're cool.

Dragonfly

2009-08-05T09:14:00.000-07:00

The good news is that I don't have cancer. Apparently abnormal cells are rated on a 4 point scale with 4 being cancer and 1 being...not cancer. My cells are rated 1 and apparently should clear up on their own, though I have to return to the doctor in 6 months to make sure that they do. Unfortunately, I won't be shaving my head (at this time).

The bad news is that last night and today I feel terrible. I regularly post on a Decmberists message board and sometimes have mixed feelings about some of the other regular posters there. Most people are very nice, but there is a bit of clique-iness (as in all aspects of life I suppose) and there are a couple of douchebags. One of these douchebags is the moderator and I find that especially bothersome. Anyway, I made a comment about not liking the movie Knocked Up and he made some comments toward me that I felt were unwarranted and when I said (wrote) so I received even more critical comments from him and other board members. In reality, it's not that big of a deal (and I'm not quite sure why it bothers me so much), but in principle, it's really shitty. I really dislike being insulted, and then, when I stand up for myself, being called sensitive and told that I just can't take criticism. It also bothered me because the accusations being thrown at me by other board members were things I didn't do but the moderator did. It seems that I made the mistake of calling him out on being an asshole, but that some of these people don't want to be told that their emperor is naked. The really bad thing, though, is that getting upset about that triggered my general malaise that I have to deal with seemingly more and more often. I think it's getting worse in the frequency and duration and also, it is starting to make me feel physically ill. The worst thing, though, is that I now don't feel any excitement for the trek Chris and I are about to embark on.

Tomorrow morning, we'll be getting up early and driving to Chicago to see The Decemberists at Metro. On Friday, we'll be driving to Bloomington, IN to see a good friend of ours and to use his couch so that we can drive to Indianapolis Saturday to see The Decemberists again. We'll come back home for a couple of days and then be off to Royal Oak (a suburb of Detroit) to see The Decemberists for a final time on this tour, after which we'll play host to a couple of British Decemberists fans who are sight-seeing on a train across the country.

So, anyway...I realize that most of my entries here are depressing and filled with complaint, and I don't want that to be the case. Hopefully, next week I'll have some very exciting Decemberists stories to tell and will be feeling better.

Singing, oh, the Hazards of Love

2009-07-24T08:40:00.000-07:00

So, I am no longer among that elite group of people that can say, "I don't have a sexually transmitted disease." I went in yesterday to be poked and prodded and to have a slice of cells taken out of me. It turns out, I have HPV, which is unfortunate, but on the bright side, apparently 85% of women my age have it as well. The other bad news is that there were indeed abnormal cells, so a biopsy was taken. I won't find out the results of that until August 4th.

Today is Chris and my anniversary. It's been 3 years since we started dating. We share the date with 4 of Chris' family/friends' birthdays. And, we will spend most of today driving to Joliet. But, we went to Olive Garden last night since I found out they now have risotto on the menu (they're the first place around here to have that item, sadly). I was pretty excited, but the risotto turned out to be...meh. It was still a lovely dinner and we had some tiramisu, which was very good. Plus, it's nice to know that the risotto I make is better than a restaurant's. I opened my present from Chris yesterday, which was Jeeves & Wooster on DVD. Neither of us has ever seen it, but we're both fans of Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry.

Doctors and Douchebags

2009-07-22T08:13:00.000-07:00

About a month ago, I made an appointment with a gynecologist. A few days after, a nurse called to inform me that the results of my pap smear were abnormal and that I would have to come back to have a colposcopy done. I had to do some internet research to find out what this test is, and the first phrase to come up in my search was cervical cancer. So, I freaked out for a little while, then felt better after I was assured that this sort of thing happens somewhat often and that usually everything is fine. I go in for the test tomorrow morning, but I'm not sure when I'll be given the results. So, as I'm yet to find out if I have cancer or not, I've decided (and made a deal with Chris) that if I do have the disease, I get to shave my head. I've always had an itch to do this, but Chris doesn't want me to. Now's my chance! In fact, maybe I'm rooting for the cancer right now (it comes with the added benefit of immunity from judgment--if it turns out that I look atrocious bald, no one can acknowledge it without then feeling like an asshole). We'll see...

I've been training for a triathlon that will occur on August 29th. The training began well, but I'm quickly losing motivation these days.

I recently got around to seeing the film Gone Baby Gone and walked away with mixed feelings. It was an interesting story and was very well-acted. I thought Ben Affleck did a good job directing it (except for the reveal near the end, which I thought was overdone). The dialogue could've been much better, but from what I've read, most of it was lifted directly from Dennis Lehane's novel. It was frustrating for me to watch, though, because almost every character is an utterly terrible person. So many characters make so many bad choices and justify them so self-righteously and with such hypocrisy, that I spent half of my viewing yelling at the screen. Many of the reviews praise the film for its moral ambiguity. To me, there's nothing ambiguous about it--Casey Affleck's character makes the right decision (in the end, not in the house during the shoot-out) and everyone else is in the wrong. The truth is the right thing and such means as the police used in no way justified the end they sought. Also, on a particular side-note, if you truly care about the well-being of a child, you should protect them, even if it hurts you--don't force the police to pry her out of your hands, it's incredibly selfish and harmful to the child. Okay, so maybe I didn't really like the film that much.

Oh My God

2009-06-17T21:03:00.000-07:00

St. Vincent "Oh My God" from Lake Fever Sessions on Vimeo.

A great version of a bonus track off of her album Actor. Can anyone help me rip the audio so that I can keep it?

2008: A Year in Movies

2009-02-20T09:30:00.000-08:00

I have not seen many films this past year. Sadly, I have only seen 12. And now, with the Oscars two days away, I will rank the 12 films of 2008.

12. Wanted - this may make it onto my list of worst movies I have ever seen. Really awful film.
11. The Fall - I would've liked this one more if it was more coherent and had I not been disappointed at the lack of a climax. It's a beautiful film, though, and Lee Pace is excellent.
10. City of Ember - This was enjoyable, but it had the scope of a TV movie for kids. Bill Murray was the best thing in the film, as usual.
9. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - It was a fun movie, and Eddie Izzard was fantastic, but I didn't enjoy it as much as the first Narnia film and it got a bit too Jesus-heavy for my liking.
8. Burn After Reading - I was really looking forward to this one and was a bit disappointed. I understand that the characters weren't supposed to be likable, but I wasn't invested in them at all. J.K. Simmons stole the show.
7. Quantum of Solace - I love Mathieu Amalric and enjoyed this movie, but I'm tired of action sequences that are shot with shaky cameras from a vantage point where you can't really see what's going on.
6. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull - Okay, so this was a disappointment, but it's still an Indiana Jones film.
5. Be Kind Rewind - It was a little hard to get into, but once you're there, it's very good and has some of the most creative filmmaking in recent memory.
4. Snow Angels - It's not a light, heart-warming romp, but it does have a light, heart-warming storyline with two teenagers falling in love. And it has Amy Sedaris and Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell.
3. The Wrestler - Also not a light, heart-warming romp, but it's executed well and you really care for the title character. Great acting as well.
2. The Dark Knight - Heath Ledger gave the best performance of the year as Joker. It's better than Batman Begins, which was also great. It comes in at a close second to...
1. Wall-E - I don't what else to say other than marvelous.

If I Would

2008-12-30T06:45:00.000-08:00

Things have been going pretty well up here in Michigan recently. I have a job I enjoy, work with people that I like (for the most part), and have been doing fairly well in the happiness department. I have been trying to think positively, to remember to relax and not worry so much, to look at things brightly. It's actually been working shockingly well, that is until it spectacularly fails. Well, it's not so much that it fails but that I am the way I am and am never going to be happy and/or content all the time. But right now, I'm consumed with sadness, self-pity, and anger. Happy days are here again...(which I learned the other day was FDR's campaign song, and that he liked to add a couple of drops of absinthe to martinis he made, thereby earning a reputation for making the worst martinis that Hyde Park visitors had ever tasted). The thing is, I know that the dark cloud will pass and I know that it affects my thinking and my outlook, but every time it happens, in the immortal words of Lou Gramm, it feels like the first time. It doesn't matter that I know it's transitory, I can't shake the feeling that it's permanent. It never feels different or better, it's always terrible. Last night, I was mean to Chris, who is down in Belleville with family and friends. And I know that most of the anger was because of my feeling sad, but everything is so immediate and there is no tomorrow. Except for when there is, and it just looks awful. So, I'm trying (but I get awfully tired of trying all the time). Anyway...I'm working on a Long Winters crossword puzzle. I just learned that Ben Gibbard and Zooey Deschanel are engaged (which was quite surprising since I didn't know that she was the person he's been dating). Much to my surprise, Bristol Palin had a kid (I was sure there was going to be a mysterious "miscarriage"), although the mystery of the other kid, what was his name Cosine?, remains. And that's about all for now.

Raincoat Song

2008-12-01T19:02:00.000-08:00

I made risotto tonight. I was nervous about it, since the first (and last, until tonight) attempt was not a success. But, it turned out to be a smashing success. I made it with asparagus, and I have to say it is delicious. I made pot roast yesterday, which turned out well, so now I have leftover risotto and stew to look forward to as dinners for the next few days. I think tomorrow night I will make peanut butter cup brownies, and debate whether or not I want to take half to work or keep them all for me and Chris. Hmm....

In other news, the My Brightest Diamond concert I saw this past month was spectacular, though it was very strange to be seated for the entire concert. The opening act was Clare and the Reasons, who I had never heard before and thoroughly enjoyed. They performed a great cover of Tears for Fears' "Everybody Wants to Rule the World."

We were able to talk to Shara for a bit after the show and I gave her the crossword puzzle I had made. She was excited about it and asked me if it was alright for her to put it on their website. So keep an eye out for that.

Chris and I went to see the Decemberists at an auditorium on MSU's campus. The band was great as always, but the show was pretty disappointing. The Wharton Center is a lovely auditorium, but an auditorium is not a good place to see a Decemberists show. I'm guessing that the band was not allowed to venture into the orchestra pit, since Colin would come up to the edge of the stage but no further, and so was at a distance of about ten feet from the audience at all times. And, I succumbed to peer pressure and remained seated for the whole concert since everyone else was seated. It was a very odd experience. Afterwards, we waited outside and were able to talk to Jenny for a bit (and witness the stupidity of some audience members up close and personal), but did not see the rest of the band at all. I can't wait for the spring when they'll tour for their upcoming album The Hazards of Love.

Bridesmaid Revisited

2008-11-03T19:15:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been quite some time since I've posted. I am now working in a bookstore and enjoying it, though I do miss being able to stay home and do whatever I feel like.

Tonight, I finished reading Shirley Jackson's We Have Always Lived in the Castle and very much enjoyed it. I had read the first chapter of the book waiting in line for Colin Meloy's performance at the Park West in April and was loathe to read any more of it. So it sat in my to-read pile while I finished Middlemarch and Quicksilver, both of which were enjoyable but time-consuming (and Quicksilver is only the first in a trilogy which will be continued perhaps after Christmas). I restarted Castle recently and read a good chunk while waiting for the Decemberists performance at Wheaton College, which will be detailed later. The rest of the novel was very engrossing, and, as always, I am glad to have finished it but sad that it is now over.

This Wednesday, Chris and I will go back to the Ladies Literary Club in Grand Rapids to once again see My Brightest Diamond play there. It is the second of three concerts that will take place within three weeks--it always seems as though concerts pour in between dry spells. I am looking forward to the show and have to finish writing clues for the crossword puzzle I made for Shara Worden (I hope she enjoys crossword puzzles).

The Decemberists played Wheaton College in Wheaton, IL on Halloween. For those not in the know, the college is very, very religious. So, it seemed interesting that a band such as the Decemberists would be invited there and that they would play on Halloween night. I arrived at the chapel/auditorium where the performance would take place at 11am and began my day of sitting on concrete and hoping to talk to a Decemberist or two. Sadly, no one from the band came out that day, which is unusual, but the performance and post-performance made up for the day (which was nice and balmy, at least). The band came out dressed as the cast from The Shining, with Colin Meloy playing the part of Danny, John Moen and Nate Query as the twins, Jenny Conlee as Wendy, and Chris Funk as Jack. They did a brief reenactment for the intro and then proceeded to play a set list that highlighted the more Halloween-appropriate part of their catalogue. I had come to the show dressed as the uncle from "July, July" (a crooked French Canadian who was gut-shot running fin), which consisted of a red and white-striped shirt, some fake blood on my gut, a neckerchief, beret, a plastic carafe filled with water and a label that read "Water, No Gin in Here!", and a little Canadian flag. Colin commented that I had a nice costume (only a handful of audience members had dressed up) and at the beginning of "16 Military Wives", sat down on the stage near me and put my flag in the headstock of his guitar!

As usual, there were several times during the show where he came towards me--I like to think it's because he likes me and not just because I am standing to his left, while all of his pedals are to his right. I was not pulled onstage to play any instruments or sing any parts, but it was still a very fantastic concert, albeit the sound guys could've been much better at their job. Afterwards, I waited outside for the band to come out. I was able to talk to Nate and he signed my copy of We Have Always Lived in the Castle. Now, I should mention that the Decemberists are playing the Wharton Center at MSU on November 12th (!) and that the promotions lady at my bookstore e-mailed the band to see if they could come do a signing that day (!!), though the band didn't respond. So, I took it upon myself to try and persuade them to come hang out at the bookstore before they play on campus. So, I told Nate to come and he said he'd see what he could do. Then, I got to talk to Colin Meloy. There have been two times where I have been talking to Mr. Meloy and another fan has asked me to take a picture of him/her and Colin. I have been happy to oblige, but because I get so nervous, my hands are always shaking while I take the picture. I am happy to report that, for some reason, when I was talking to Colin this time (and taking a picture for a fellow fan), I wasn't very nervous at all. It was almost as if I was talking to some regular person. Colin remembered that I had give him a book for his son (The Berenstain Bears' The Messy Room) and thanked me. We talked a little bit and I told him that the band should visit the bookstore and he said that they might call and arrange a ride to our store (since it is not within walking distance of the campus)!!!!! So I am looking forward to seeing the show on the 12th and keeping everything that I can crossed, hoping that I'll be able to hang out with the Decemberists during the day. Wish me luck!

To Vote or Not to Vote

2008-07-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

Ever since I learned that Barack Obama made the awful, unjustifiable choice of the Rolling Stones over The Beatles, I have been conflicted about the upcoming presidential election. I want to vote. I want to participate in this excellent process of democracy. And I feel compelled to, as a patriotic American that values our ideals and our history. But...I'm not sure that I can vote for Obama. It's not just that he has inexcusable taste for 1960s rock 'n roll (though that is a very important topic for me, and although I understand that many people don't understand why it should be a factor in my decision, it really is and I don't think that I'm being melodramatic or crazy). I have not been following either campaign that closely, mostly because the press coverage, and the campaigning itself, is frustrating and depressing to me. I was really hopeful about this election last year, but now I am less so. I am glad that Obama won the nomination over Hillary Clinton. I am glad that we will no longer have George W. Bush in office. I am not going to vote for John McCain. But, I may not vote for Obama either. There are some issues I have with the man. For instance, his opposition to the recent decision by the Supreme Court (abolishing the death penalty for child rapists) disappoints me. As we get closer to the actual election, I hope to become more informed about all of the candidates, but I think I will remain very wary of voting for Barack Obama (and yes, this does make me sad). I welcome all arguments for or against my supporting him.

If You're Feeling Sinister

2008-06-01T16:05:00.000-07:00

I have a few things I'd like to blog about, but for right now, it'll just be a general update. So, things that are new (in bullet form):

Chris and I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and thought it was fun and enjoyable. Neither of us understand any lackluster response to it.
We also saw a movie called The Fall in an old theater in Ann Arbor. It featured good performances by Lee Pace (of Pushing Daisies fame) and a little girl and was stunning visually, but it wasn't anything really fantastic. It was directed by the man who made The Cell.
I have a copy of the sequel to The Mysterious Benedict Society, which is illustrated by Diana Sudyka--an artist who lives in Chicago and has a Carson Ellis-designed tattoo. I've told myself I have to finish at least one of the books I am currently reading before I can start this one (Middlemarch, Quicksilver, and We Have Always Lived in the Castle). Sigh. More about Middlemarch later. I also purchased another book in the 33 1/3 series (I have read Colin Meloy's book on the Replacement's Let It Be, which was excellent). This one is for Belle & Sebastian's If You're Feeling Sinister and is written by Scott Plagenhoef, who is the Editor-in-Chief of Pitchfork. I am excited about it, but again, I won't be reading it until one of the current reads is down for the count.
I have the new Death Cab for Cutie album Narrow Stairs, which is very good, though I haven't listened to it enough yet to give a full impression.
I am waiting for the postman to deliver a new Decemberists shirt as well as John Moen's solo album, Perhapst.
I have a couple of pairs of new jeans (this is pretty eventful since I'm very picky about clothes, particularly pants).
I have an interview with Grand Rapids Community College this week. I'm trying not to think about it so much so that I won't be disappointed when I don't get a job there

Now, for things in non-bullet form. I still have about 150 pages left in Middlemarch. The thing about this novel is I've been reading it in spurts. I'll be really interested and want to read it all the time, then I'll hit a plateau and not pick it up for a week or more. And every time I get interested, I think I'm making progress, yet still have hundreds of pages to go. So, I'm enjoying it, but also can't wait to be done with it so I can get to the next book on the large stack.

I have spent a good deal of this month substitute teaching for the Lansing School District. The good thing is, I now have money in my bank account, the bad news is, it has been awful. I started out doing all grade levels, but I was nearly crippled by standing all day at elementary schools, so I limited myself to only high schools. Lansing is apparently very poor and this is reflected in their schools. Apparently several schools in the district are magnet schools, but I have not noticed this having any good effect on the school or its student body. I understand that students aren't going to behave very well when there is a substitute teacher, but it's been a tad ridiculous. Perhaps I was raised in a school district that was an exception rather than the rule, but things that occur in the schools I've been in simply would not be tolerated in my almae matres. And no one at these schools seems to be interested in doing anything about discipline. To get a sense of the type of educational facility I'm dealing with, all the doors in these buildings are locked and remain that way throughout the whole day. The faculty bathrooms are locked, but can be opened with a classroom key (which no one told me), the students bathrooms are not locked, but do not have locks on their stalls. One school has a chain and padlock on the door to the third floor that thankfully was not in use during the day, though it would not surprise me if it were--one of the afternoons that I went to the school, the front door to the building was locked and did not have any kind of buzzer or indication of where an open door might be found. Sometimes, I would get a key to the classroom, and therefore the bathrooms, sometimes not, at which point I was pretty much shit-out-of-luck. They don't really give me any information when I come to the school and I don't really have any authority to wield in the classroom. Many times the students would not stop talking and doing whatever they wanted for the entire class, including my introduction and instructions. So, anyway, the school year is over this week and I don't have any gigs currently lined up, so it looks like its over. Hurray!!! But, I still need a job. Boo!!

Another aspect of substitute teaching is that it has made me very miserable. Now, technically the job isn't that bad. I basically sit around all day and get $75 for doing it. But, because of the problems mentioned above, I don't feel comfortable during any of these days. Feeling comfortable is very important to me. Because of this, and some unknown element, ever since I began this job (April 29th), I have experienced the worst depression of my life. Never have I been so constantly and consistently miserable. What usually lasts for a couple of hours and then goes away, not to show its face for at least a couple of days, if not a couple of weeks, has stuck around, lifting for very short periods of time (maybe one day, maybe a couple of hours). Now, I haven't been doing that well for quite some time now (at the risk of ruining my reputation, my libido has been almost non-existent for almost a year, which is very unnerving and depressing), but it's been particularly bad as of late. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

But...here's to better days ahead, and more blog entries in the near future.

Come Hell

2008-04-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

My day began early last Monday. I hit the streets of Chicago around 6:30am, breakfasted, parked, and ended up outside the Park West at about 8:15am. I was first in line for the Colin Meloy show that night at 7:30pm. I was alone for about four hours, trying to keep warm as the sun slipped behind a tall apartment building across the street. Eventually, the sun came back and it was a nice day. And eventually (around 2pm), the tour bus carrying Colin, his fiancee Carson Ellis, their son Hank, and the opener Laura Gibson pulled up. I had come bearing gifts and waited by the tour bus to bestow them. Colin came out and I gave him a DVD of 2 concerts from 1982 and 1981: Fleetwood Mac and Stevie Nicks, respectively. I gave him The Berenstain Bears and the Messy Room (one of my favorites) for Hank. And I gave him a Carson Ellis-themed crossword puzzle I had made for Carson. I was also carrying my copy of The Mysterious Benedict Society for Carson to sign (I have Colin's autograph in my copy of God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater). He thanked me and went on the bus to give the crossword and get the autograph and then went inside.

Now, the last time I saw the Decemberists was one of the best nights of my life, so I had pretty high expectations for Monday. It didn't seem to me as though Colin remembered me, and so I was a little disappointed. Later in the day, while I was waiting, I had a couple of other encounters. I met Carson, and she thanked me for the puzzle and told me that she's a crossword fanatic. Then, I saw Carson come by with a nanny and little Hank (who is really, really adorable), I saw Hank come back later in the day and he was crying a bit (which was also adorable), and I saw Carson walk by a couple more times. On one of these occasions, I was reading the book I had brought for all of the waiting: Shirley Jackson's We Have Always Live in the Castle. Carson saw the cover and told me that Colin was reading the same book!

The main event: Laura Gibson opened and was very good, though I think I might've enjoyed the show a bit more if we had been sitting in a cafe rather than standing in the Park West. From what I'd read about her openings for other stops on the tour, I was expecting her to be very quiet and a bit awkward, but she made pretty wonderful onstage "banter." Then, it was on to Colin Meloy. My goal, for a while now, has been to get Colin to like me. I just want to be friends, perhaps correspond regularly, be one of his favorite people...that's all. So, I do my best to come off as smart, interesting, charming, etc. in any encounter with the man. Perhaps I come off as trying too hard, though. I got the impression that Colin found me a bit irritating more than anything else (I should note that I have a tendency to get this impression from a number of people fairly often, so maybe it's just me). It seemed different that night than it has been when I've been in front at Decemberists' shows. This was my second time seeing a Colin solo show, but my first time being right in front. Anyway, the "highlight" of the night happened during "A Cautionary Song." I knew, from watching youtube, that he's been encouraging audience interaction on this tour and that when the line comes up "the sailor's sorry racket calls for maidenhead," he's expected the audience to call for maidenhead. So I did. I yelled out "pussy!" This surprised Colin quite a bit and it took him a minute to laugh and announce that it had made him blush before he could continue with the song. I felt a bit bad since I remembered right after I yelled out that it was an all ages show.

After the show, we stayed around the bus to see Colin and I apologized for making him blush. He told me it was alright and thanked me for yelling out, but then it was a bit awkward as I continued standing there rather than thanking him and leaving. He gave a salute, and I saluted back and then continued to stand there awkwardly. Finally, I did turn around and leave and felt a bit of a fool for not being more smooth. Then, I drove to Joliet and started a saga that shall have to be continued in another post. All in all, it was fantastic, but now I'm trying to get over a bit of an inferiority complex. C'est la vie.

A bit of really good news: when I finally got back to Michigan, I commented on both Colin and Carson's myspace pages, offering my hope that they enjoyed their respective gifts. Later that day, Carson commented on my myspace page saying that she very much enjoyed her crossword puzzle!!!! Hooray!!

More Later...

2008-04-24T08:07:00.001-07:00

My Moon My Man

2008-04-19T14:07:00.000-07:00

Chris and I saw Feist at the Fillmore in Detroit on April 10th. I have never been to Detroit, but I thought I knew what to expect since the city is pretty notorious. We arrived at the venue around 2pm and were the only ones there. It was barely drizzling, but it was very windy, which made it a cold, unwelcome day. A little over an hour after we got there, Feist and one of her bandmates rolls up in a taxi. We learned later that they had been at the Motown Museum (somewhere I'd like to go before we move out of this awful state). I had brought along "Ricky Gervais presents The World of Karl Pilkington" (a collection of transcripts from Ricky Gervais' podcasts) for her to sign and she happily obliged. Apparently, she and her bandmate had just been talking about Ricky Gervais and quoting The Office, so she wrote: "'I froze your tears and made a dagger...must you breath, for I need heaven' Feist, quoting David Brent with admiration" and then signed Feist. She was very lovely, but a rather short woman, which I was not expecting at all. She's about 5'2" and I spent the rest of the afternoon marveling at this fact. I had always assumed she would be around my height or taller from videos and such, and she's not that short, and it doesn't make any difference, it's just that I had to change the picture in my head which can sometimes feel odd.

Anyway, the show was great, despite some annoyances. Apparently Detroit crowds get rowdy, so the Fillmore had security guards (read fat guys in a Fillmore t-shirt) stand between the barricade and the stage. This is fine except that one of them stood near the center of the stage, and the stage isn't really high. This is kind of fine except that this particular security guy was hugely ignorant, a douchebag, and a chatty Cathy. He started conversations with us and people around us (including people in the second row) and talked during the opening act and while Feist was onstage. Sample gem: "That guy looked retarded. He sucked. I'm sorry, but it's the truth." I didn't realize that a large man from Detroit who likes hardcore rock (he informed us of this several times) was able to judge and provide such truths. The crowd that night was not terrible, but don't let that fool you: they were bad. At one point, Feist started a song and then instead of singing the lyrics, she sang about how if a performer sings very softly the crowd automatically shuts up since it doesn't know what's going on. She even stepped away from the mic and sang for a while until the crowd finally stopped buzzing. Most impressive, though, was her voice. I knew she could sing, but man, she can sing!

Chris and I also saw Ben Folds at a small college in Michigan this past week. I would write about how the show was good and the audience was perhaps the worst I've ever seen at a show and how Chris and I are ready to never see a show in Michigan again (but then admitted that of course we would go if it was a really good act), but then I would get angry and disappointed in humanity (once again).

To end on a good note, I will mention that I'm getting all geared up for what I hope to be the best night since October 29 of last year. Chris and I will drive to Chicago tomorrow, he'll get on a bus to go to St. Louis and I will hang out with John. Monday, I will be outside of the Park West all day and see Colin Meloy perform in the evening!!!!!!!!! I will then be around Tuesday night and Wednesday in the early afternoon, hopefully seeing friends. So friends, clear your schedules.

The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings

2008-03-26T14:45:00.000-07:00

It's nice outside today and I hope it lasts, though odds are that it won't. There's two trees outside the window of our drawing room (Chris and I decided to class the office/computer/spare bedroom up a bit). They are big, tall pine trees and one is on the corner of our lot so that I can almost see its top when I'm sitting down at my desk. The window and my desk are also in such a position that when I'm sitting here looking out, all I can see is trees and patches of sky. I like this view since I can either pretend that I am on a floor that is above ground level (higher floors always seem more exciting and better, but yet so above-the-fray and peaceful) or that I am not in Lansing, MI. Perhaps this view is indicative of a country home where I go to write and I have a foreign housekeeper in the next room who may or may not be plotting to kill me one of these days. Perhaps I'm in Illinois. Perhaps I'm just somewhere where the day-to-day hassles of people and noise and banality are banished, at least for the moment.

Anyway, I'm still unemployed and I'm trying to do worthwhile and productive things while I have all the time in the world. I am trying to amp up (speed up) my guitar learning, but I get discouraged very easily. Chris thinks that it's because I find it difficult, but I think it's a bit more than that. I like to think I'm not the type of person who tries something once and then quits if she's not immediately successful in the endeavor. I'm more the type of person who tries something and instantly feels that she'll never be successful in the endeavor. It's not that I'm diametrically opposed to hard work, it's more that I worry that even with a lot of hard work, I'll end up mediocre at best. Then again, whenever I think about how easily I become discouraged and hopeless, I also think that I tend to be persistent in pursuing things and that I often get what I want in the end. Then, I feel a little better. And, I can play the Futurama theme song on guitar, so there's that.

I was reading a copy of the History Channel's magazine and I found this anecdote very amusing: not that long ago, Iowa wanted to add the wild sunflower to their state's list of destructive weeds and therefore encourage the plant's destruction. Kansas found out about this, and so they threatened to name the Eastern Goldfinch (Iowa's state bird) as their official game bird. Also, apparently some people mock Iowa by claiming the state's name is an acronym for "Idiots Out Wandering Around." Oh, how I love state rivalries.

The Mariner's Revenge Song

2008-03-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

Youtube has now twice failed to post my video on my blog. So, here's the video I made.

I hope you like it!

Get Over It

2008-03-13T16:26:00.000-07:00

As a burgeoning songwriter, I've given a lot of thought to my future career. Most of this consists of daydreaming about being friends with famous people and everyone adoring me and all my talent (your standard fantasy). So, when I picture this, I am always reticent to write a break-up song. They're usually very bitter and signify that the writer is not over that past relationship. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of really good break-up songs, but I thought it would be nice to pretend to be one of those people that doesn't even think about bad boyfriends/girlfriends from the past. But, it turns out I've written a break-up song. This only came about because I came up with an idea that was simply too good to resist. I think I like the song, but of course I don't sing it well because...I don't sing well. Anyway, I don't want to give away what the song is about--I'm hoping that before too long, I'll have figured out a guitar part for it and then I'll record it and post it here. Let's just say that this song will most likely never be played on mainstream radio.

Holy Shit

2008-02-14T16:25:00.001-08:00

After Chris received a text message from a friend, we have been searching the news sites and watching the news shows to learn about what happened at Northern Illinois University. They don't have that much information as of now, but I'm exceedingly glad to hear that the shooting did not take place in Reavis and that all of the people I care about are not injured. Hopefully all of the wounded will be taken care of and the casualties will end with the gunman. Hopefully NIU will pull together and everyone in campus will heal as much as they can as quickly as they can. Hopefully we will learn the gunman's motives so that there might be some sense of closure or at least a step toward meaning in this senseless ordeal. Hopefully this is the last school shooting for quite some time, dare I say ever?

Wordplay

2008-02-06T12:14:00.001-08:00

I've constructed a crossword puzzle! It's not very good. Here are the clues:

Across
1. Baking or Fountain
5. ____fall, comedy staple
9. Calamari
14. Dance from the Pontos region
15. Makeover
16. Tosses out
17. Bassist Query for 35 Across
18. Leave out
19. "M*A*S*H" Iowan's nickname
20. "____ Hill," song by 35 Across
23. Home of Ben Gurion International Airport
24. Give off
25. "____ Driver," song by 35 Across
28. Prefix meaning halfway
29. Neighbor of the black kettle
32. Not sat or laid
33. Rival of MSN
34. "Leather and ____," Stevie Nicks and Don Henley duet
35. Band from 48 Across
39. Chocolate and caramel candy
40. Singular European mountain range?
41. Artist's support?
42. Comm. by hand
43. French Mrs.
44. "Do You Want to Know a ____?" song by The Beatles
46. Capital of Ukraine
47. Flightless bird
48. "Rose City," home to 35 Across
55. Turn on your heel, maybe
56. Place to suckle
57. Horse with an injured leg
58. Inspector Javert's grave
59. "O Roma o ____!" a cynic's take on Garibaldi's motto
60. Hamlet's lament for Yorick
61. Forest of "As You Like It"
62. Several hearty loaves?
63. It refracts light

Down
1. "____ for Myla Goldberg," song by 35 Across
2. Actor Sharif
3. Android from "Star Trek: The Next Generation"
4. The most successful Baldwin brother
5. Rooting for an inmate?
6. Created again
7. Mine entrance
8. "Married ____," film featuring 4 Down
9. Vile
10. 2 pints
11. Food safety watchdog
12. Fancy typography, Abbr.
13. Org. to find your test-tube sister
21. Omit a sound
22. Naturalist Zola
25. A mode of persuasion
26. Train isn't running in Chicago at Christmas?
27. "____ that voodoo that you do so well!" Hedley Lamarr order
29. Isn't fashionable anymore
30. Apu and Manjula's clan on "The Simpsons"?
31. Instructing an émigré from the USSR?
32. Icelandic straw
33. Electric guitar necessity
34. "Billy ____," song by 35 Across
36. Transportation for a legionnaire?
37. Onetime venue for Colin Meloy
38. Happen again
43. Glove alternative, favored by kittens
44. Dose with morphine
45. Overacts
46. Danish dollar
48. Hyde Street ____, near 20 Across, sung about by 35 Across
49. Author of "Metamorphoses"
50. Mexican footballer Castillo
51. Israeli airline
52. Strong wind
53. Nation on the Arabian Peninsula
54. Untouchable Treasury Department star
55. "The More You Know…," e.g.

Sleeping Lessons

2008-01-10T17:48:00.000-08:00

So I've been keeping something a bit secret. And I suppose I shouldn't. For probably as long as I can remember, I've had the notion that I would be immensely successful in the entertainment industry, in many of its venues. I've decided that I am going to seriously pursue one of those venues. Namely, I've been writing songs. I haven't told anyone about this because I'm not very confident in my ability to write songs or to perform them. On the other hand, I really want to have this ability, plus Chris seems to like what I've written so far. The process is going a little slowly since I'm still learning to play guitar and still need to learn to play piano. But I've written about ten songs so far--meaning that I have the words and the melody but can only perform them a capella. I also wanted to not tell anyone because when I finally get a demo recorded, I could enlist friends to listen to it under the guise that it wasn't me in order to get an honest and objective opinion of whether any of what I've done is worthwhile or not. Anyway, that's what I'm working on.

In other news, I found out some very interesting things last night. I stumbled across the bass player of My Brightest Diamond's blog. He wrote about the show Chris and I attended in Grand Rapids here, though he didn't mention us (which is a little disappointing--maybe we weirded him out a bit). I discovered, though, that he's younger than me, which was pretty surprising to me. I tend to be unprepared for people to be younger than I am since I'm used to being the youngest one in any particular group. It's also a little disorienting when someone is successful and famous (okay, semi-famous) and has accomplished this in less time than it will take you. Anyway, even more shocking is the fact that this guy is none other than John Lithgow's son!!!!! Holy shit!!!

Marry Me

2007-12-28T13:49:00.000-08:00

So, it's that time of year again. Though the year isn't over yet, I don't think I'll have time to see anymore movies before January 1st. I have seen 20 films that opened in 2007. I don't really like ranking movies since some of the decisions are difficult and I always feel as though I'll regret where some of the films end up in my list. But, without further ado, here is my list of films for 2007:

1. The Simpsons Movie what else would be #1? Fantastic!
2. Paris, Je T'aime even better than I had hoped, a wonderful film--all of the segments are great
3. Lars and the Real Girl very touching and done perfectly, a wonderful example of when all the parts (directing, writing, acting) come together to create a marvelous whole
4. Bender's Big Score though not released in theater, it is a superb culmination of the series and I can't wait for the other three DVDs
5. No Country for Old Men this would be higher on my list, though this year saw a lot of great film competition
6. Hot Fuzz I really wan't expecting much because of ignorance (I haven't seen Shaun of the Dead), and it blew me away
7. Charlie Wilson's War while Tom Hanks is spectacular, as usual, I really enjoyed this film almost solely because of Philip Seymour Hoffman (the fact that his character, both in personality and appearance, reminded me of John Roderick didn't hurt)
8. Live Free or Die Hard I had faith in Bruce Willis and the Die Hard series, but let's face it, with a title like that, I thought maybe it wouldn't be so great. I would say it's the best in the series, except that they're all this great
9. Stardust a very fun film that doesn't take itself seriously, but also doesn't make too much fun of itself
10. Waitress a wonderful and bittersweet film that almost makes me want to eat pie
11. The Darjeeling Limited not the best Wes Anderson film, but still a good film that, though it might sound cliched, really does take you on a journey as an audience as the characters' layers peel
12. Shoot 'Em Up a very fun movie that features some of the most creative ways to kill people
13. Ocean's Thirteen I did really enjoy the film, but it seems to have faded away quite a bit after viewing
14. Dan in Real Life perhaps this movie would be lower on the list, but Steve Carell and Juliette Binoche are enormously charming
15. 1408 though I was disappointed that Samuel L. Jackson didn't have a bigger part, this movie had more to it than I was expecting, it's premise is very intriguing, more so than I thought it would be
16. The Number 23 also an intriguing premise, though less so that I thought it would be
17. 28 Weeks Later I found this movie a bit frustrating, none of the plot would've happened if people hadn't been incredibly stupid, which I suppose is true of almost all films, but shouldn't there be a good reason to make a sequel to a really good first film?
18. Starter for Ten I was disappointed by this film since I do really really enjoy trivia, but James McAvoy has a very nice accent
19. Blades of Glory should've been funnier
20. Knocked Up this could possibly be in the last position of the list of movies I have seen period, and it's such a shame to see Paul Rudd in such an awful movie

There you have it. There are a lot of films that should be on this list that aren't. Perhaps one of these years I'll actually have the time and financial resources to see all the movies I'd like in the theater. And perhaps someday, seeing a movie in the theater will be a much better experience. I've been noticing quite a few chains making steps in this direction, either having late shows for those who are over 17 or catering exclusively to adults (with lots of disposable income, mind you). Here's hoping...

When I Was A Young Girl

2007-12-12T15:30:00.000-08:00

I was telling Chris a story from work, and he suggested that I should share it here. One of my duties is to make sure that the bulletin boards in the three break rooms are up to date and clear of any inappropriate material, as well as to keep the break rooms themselves tidy. So, I was carrying out this task today and had the opportunity to do something fun, satisfying, and a bit controversial. The downstairs break room is notorious for leaving newspapers and coupons strewn about one of the tables. There is much to be thrown away from this particular break room. Today was no exception, and today featured a special item. There was a Bible sitting on the table. I checked the inside covers and flipped through the pages to make sure there wasn't a name inscribed, that this book belonged to someone who had forgotten here. Seeing no name, and seeing a couple of "good news" pamphlets stuck in various pages, I surmised that this was someone's attempts to spread the good word. So, I did my best to help that endeavor. I walked over to the trash can and dropped the book in, its weight compacting the various paper towels and other trash below it.

In other news, I have written a children's book (if anyone knows a publisher, I'm all ears), and am currently writing a second one.

In sad news, I am all out of Double Stuf Mint Oreos. They are manna from heaven. I already miss them.

"I'm Back Baby!"

2007-12-03T09:14:00.000-08:00

Last Tuesday, the first of the four Futurama feature-length films was relased, and man, it is fantastic! The revamped theme song is addictive and is quickly becoming my favorite song as of late. Bender's Big Score has a really fascinating plot, ties together characters, events, and themes from the whole series, and is very entertaining. Seeing old story lines completed or enhanced was very satisfying, and like the best episodes of Futurama, the movie is equally hilarious and bittersweet. The only problem is that now I'm growing very impatient for the remaining three films.

In other news, since I've started work at this office, I've had a picture of Colin Meloy as my wallpaper. For my birthday, my boss gave me a picture frame, so now I have a picture of me and Chris sitting on my desk. After the amazing events of October 29th, I have the picture of me and Colin Meloy on stage as my wallpaper. This has caused some of my co-workers to come to two conclusions. 1. Colin Meloy is my boyfriend and 2. I play guitar. I do not object to either of these, but, people are inevitably disappointed when I explain that neither of these things are true and wear an expression much like the one that occurs when I explain why I wear a flower behind my right ear everyday. Maybe I should start using a story about my Jewish grandmother using her last moments to plant roses at Auschwitz when people ask me why I wear a flower.

I finished reading both The Time Machine and A Family Daughter. Both were highly enjoyable, though Maile Meloy wins in this round. I did like H.G. Wells' dystopia, but I found the Time Traveller, like Robinson Crusoe, to be quite an idiot, and therefore frustrating. A Family Daughter has continued the recent tradition, for me, of enjoying a book despite not enjoying any of the characters. There was no one in Meloy's novel that I really found myself attached to. In her previous book that features most of the same people, Liars and Saints, I was on the border of not liking them, but this one tipped the scale. I realize that there's more to a novel than simply the characters, but it's still a little unnerving when you're not really devoted to any of the personalities and still think the work is great (I'm looking at you Mansfield Park). Part of me really feels that I should re-read Liars and Saints now, since the former book is the novel that the main character of A Family Daughter has written, but I also would really like to move on to another universe now. I think it shall be The Fifty Year Sword by Mark Z. Danielewski, but I have so many books sitting on my shelves clamoring to be read. I'm hoping it won't take me too long to get through The Fifty Year Sword, since it will be a dense and confusing read, it isn't very lengthy. Suggestions for what to read after that? I recently bought The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, which is a heavy contender. At work, though, I have just started George Eliot's Middlemarch, so I should be good for reading at work for quite some time now.

Dragonfly

2007-11-13T06:14:00.000-08:00

Chris and I had perhaps one of the strangest concert-going experiences ever this past Saturday. We went to see My Brightest Diamond in Grand Rapids and were expecting to see a really great concert that would follow the basic concert-rules, namely, that we would arrive early to get a spot in the front of the line and perhaps meet some of the musicians, then stand in a General Admission floorspace in front of the stage and rock out with a bunch of other twenty-somethings. How wrong we were. First, we arrived in Grand Rapids (a place which we'd both only been once before to visit one of Chris' colleagues and eat meat). We went to see said colleague and his brand new baby. The baby was about 7 weeks old, which is the youngest baby I've ever seen/met, and I have to say, I prefer my babies a little older (so that there's at least a little bit of interaction between you and the infant). We arrived at the "theater" around 4pm for an 8pm show and were the first attendees there. The "theater" was the Ladies' Literary Club, which is a historic landmark that used to be a meeting place for literary ladies and is now a small auditorium. From the outside, though, it still looks like a house rather than a host for music acts. So we waited on the front steps. After waiting there a little while, a van pulls up and a man with pink pants comes bounding up the steps asking us if this is the place. Chris and I tell him it is and then wonder to ourselves if this guy is Tim Fite (the opening act that neither of us knew anything about). It turns out yes, it is. A couple of hours later, three other people show up to wait, though they are there to see Tim Fite (they were under the assumption that he was the headliner and had never heard of My Brightest Diamond, and they are most likely high). By this time, it's getting pretty close to the time when doors will be opening and there are five people in line for this show. Will this be the whole audience? It's beginning to seem mighty strange. A little while later, a group of college girls (the show is being sponsored by Calvin College) and ask us if they can go in. We tell them that the doors will open at 7:30pm. They tell us that they're ushers. I restrain from asking them why they asked us if they could go in if they're working there while at the same time thinking that if the crowd (which may or may not be comin) gets out of hand, what are these tiny little girls going to do? Then, a little later, a van shows up and out come a handful of Calvin College students. So now, there's a total of about ten people here to see the show. Finally, the doors open and we enter the Ladies' Literary Club. Chris and I go straight to the front row and find the middle two seats. The people behind us? They get as close as the third row. This trend continues as others file in the small auditorium. There are even several people who get as close as the second row, then decide that it's too close and move back! Why is the front row too close? We had no idea and will remain confused about this for a very long time.

Anyway, now the show starts with Tim Fite. It's a really interesting act, and while Chris and I were nervous about this guy, all our fears were put to rest. He is a great performer who incorporates video into his show and interacts with the audience very well. At one point, he came into the audience to grab one guy's hat, my scarf, and another guy's glasses to wear up onstage while he finished his song. He also played mine and Chris' heads like a turntable. He also has an interesting mixture of genres, including Southern Gothic bluegrass/folk, pop, and political hip hop. I recommend checking him out. Around 9pm, My Brightest Diamond took the stage and this is where the concert-going experience hits the apex of strangeness. Chris and I stood at the edge of the stage, as we would for any other show, only we were the only ones. There was My Brightest Diamond, then us standing there, then a good three to four feet of floor, then the front row of seats, then everyone else, who remained seated and silent. Chris and I sang along, but I had to mouth along to some songs since it was so quiet in the auditorium. And of course we rocked out, but we were dancing in front of a whole auditorium. It felt very weird and I much prefer being crammed into a tiny space in front of the stage, surrounded by pushy and sweaty teenagers to this experience of being the only ones up by the stage. The last song was "Freak Out" and here people came up to jump around, but it was only at this point that we were joined by any audience members at all. So, a really great show (including covers of Roy Orbison, Edith Piaf, and Nina Simone), but a really odd occurrence.

After the show, we went up to the merchandise table to buy one of Tim Fite's albums, and he gave us a poster he designed for the tour, as well as two postcards he also designed along with the CD. He was terribly shy and a bit awkward, which was interesting since his stage persona was quite the opposite. He signed our poster and then Shara Worden came out to sign it as well. We had met Shara outside of the theater in Champaign when she was opening for the Decemberists last April and she remembered us. We ended up talking to her for a good twenty minutes or so about an assortment of things, including the films of Jean-Pierre Jeunet, who she is distantly related to (!). We then made the hour-long drive back, still confused about what just happened.

Rock A Little

2007-11-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

Lars and the Real Girl, which we saw at a mainstream movie theater in Lansing (which is both great and very unfortunate, is in contention to be one of the best movies of 2007. While it was nice to not have to drive an hour away to see the film (which we had to do to see The Darjeeling Limited and then were kind of screwed out of seeing the short film Hotel Chevalier), seeing it with members of the Lansing community proved difficult. There were a couple of groups of people there (one consisting of pre-teen girls, who I'm guessing still have their copy of The Notebook in their DVD players) who did not understand what this movie was. Like the films of Wes Anderson, Lars and the Real Girl is hard to classify genre-wise and ends up being called a comedy. Some of our fellow audience members clung to that tag and laughed throughout the film, even after it became obvious that this movie isn't a gimmick and doesn't have a schtick. While thoughtful movie-goers were pulled into the story and humanity of this carefully-put together, delicate, deeply compassionate, and magnanimous movie, others were still caught on the one-line premise: a man dates a doll. Everything about this movie was wonderful--directing, writing, and acting (from the whole cast). What's even more wonderful is that it is a jumping-off point for a great post-movie conversation. One is left ruminating over many questions, which is not to say that the film doesn't leave one satisfied--it very much does. I would suggest running out to see this one, but maybe it's best left viewed without the kids who got lost on their way to go see The Game Plan.

The Chimbley Sweep

2007-11-02T09:08:00.001-07:00

The Decemberists Long/Short of it Tour 2007
Originally uploaded by Nicolemc99

This is proof that it actually happened, though I'm still reeling. If anyone finds reviews of the two shows, pictures, video, etc., please let me know. I've been scouring the web but haven't found too much coverage so far.

In sadder news, it turns out we were really lucky, as all the dates of the tour after Chicago have been cancelled. Get well ill Decemberist!

I Was Meant For the Stage

2007-10-30T06:51:00.000-07:00

Holy shit!!! I had quite the eventful weekend. On Friday, Chris and I went to a department Halloween party with a dress-up-like-a-game theme. I decided to go as the game Eat, Fuck, Or Kill, which consisted of three baby dolls--one tied around my waist, one on a platter with some parsley, and one hanging from a noose. It was pretty fantastic (if I do say so myself), only no one at the party had heard of the game. Before we even arrived, though, Chris and I accidentally locked ourselves out of our apartment and had to call a locksmith to let us in. This was bad thing #2 in the last couple of weeks, the first being that I dropped my ipod into a clean toilet bowl and will now have to send it in to hopefully be repaired or buy a new one. But, I thought that maybe these were actually good luck charms for the Decemberists' shows this past weekend. You see, the last time I saw the band, a very bad thing happened the night before when Chris and I were stuck in the city with my car that wouldn't start (and then it was a bit damaged from the towing). All was forgotten, though, when before the concert, while waiting in line, I talked to Colin Meloy and he recognized me!!! So I crossed my fingers that perhaps this too was some sort of karma.

Indeed it was. We arrived at the Vic Theatre at about 11:30am on Sunday. One girl was in line (who I had waited in line all day with last April when the band played at the Riviera Theatre). One of the guys working with the merchandise asked us about the deal where if you bought a two-day pass, you received a poster and needed to photocopy what the two-day pass tickets looked like. So, I volunteered (after he said I could accompany him on this task). Turns out, he photocopied the tickets in the Decemberists' dressing room, so I was standing in the hallway right outside of their door. Nate was talking on his phone right next to me, and when he was finished with his conversation, he introduced himself to me (meaning that I have now met all five Decemberists). And I could see Jenny and Colin on the couch talking and Colin eating a sandwich. Back outside, the band soon came out to walk around the area and I had my chance to ask Colin my questions--about Jane Eyre's influence on "The Island" and about how to pronounce his sister's name (turns out I'm an idiot and have been mispronouncing it all this time). He told me that Jane Eyre had nothing to do with his song (but said "good digging!"), that there was a bit of James Joyce (parallax). So I was pretty happy that I had a chance to complete what I had set out to do.

The show was fantastic!! It was really great to see the opening of the tour as they were still working out how they were going to do everything and seemed to be in a mood for spontaneity. Colin had his shirt sleeves rolled up and on his inner right forearm, just below the elbow, there was a tattoo of a ship. I called out that I liked his tattoo and he looked at me and said thank you, and then rolled up his sleeve a bit more. I can't be absolutely certain, but I'm pretty sure he made eye contact with me several times in the show, and he came out to the edge of the stage near us several times as well. The show was supposed to be over at 9:45pm, since there's a 10pm curfew (all ages show), and the band was warned that they were going over at one point, but they wouldn't cut the night short (it wouldn't be the Long Of It if it was cut short). They played until about ten after 10pm, including an almost ridiculously long cover of Pink Floyd's "Echoes". After the concert was over, John, Chris, and I decided to hang out by the stage door to see if the band would be frequenting any local bars. I also wanted to tell Colin that when he drums (during The Tain), he looks a bit like Mick Fleetwood with his expressions. We had to wait a bit (a firetruck and ambulance pulled up while we were waiting--it seems that Nate hit his head and was being checked to make sure he was alright), but eventually they all came out and signed autographs. I was last in the little semi-circle of people, and I was busy forumlating my comment, apparently too busy to hear him say to me, "Hello, it's good to see you again." (!!!!!) I told him my observation, and he was very happy about it (Fleetwood Mac is one of the biggest influences for the band, according to some interviews). He told me it was a "high compliment." Then they were whisked off by a van and I was left giddy and incredibly sore.

But that's not all. We arrived at the theatre around 11:30am on Monday as well. There was no band-meeting before the show this time, but it was more than made up for. The set list for this show was highly discussed during the day of waiting--which short songs would they play? Would it be all upbeat, or would they mix it up? It turns out that they played a bit of everything and mostly things that aren't usually played. The set began with the first five of the six songs, in order, from the 5 Songs EP. The rest of the set was a mix of the peppier and the less so (i.e. "Eli, the Barrow Boy"). They ended the encore with "After the Bombs" and started the encore with "A Cautionary Song" which featured Chris and John reenacting the St. Valentine's Day Massacre (and the front row was able to sit on the stage at this point to make room for the reenacting). But, the two absolute highlights (of the night and of my life up til this point, really) came with the performances of "Culling of the Fold" and "The Chimbley Sweep." I was hoping that they would play "Culling of the Fold" and hoping that I would be one of the audience members who come face to face with Colin during this song. He did his usual round of audience interaction, and then kind of fell into the crowd a bit, right on top of Chris. Towards the end of the song, he came back, and touched my cheek as he finished singing!!! He then went to stand on an amp in front of the drum set and jump around a bit while the band was ending the song, and ended up falling into John and the drum set a bit. By this point, I was already on cloud nine, but it wasn't over yet. During the instrumental break on "The Chimbley Sweep," Colin and Chris had their guitar riff-off, but in the middle of it, Colin walked over towards me. I thought he was just going to play near the crowd as usual, but instead, he held his hand out to me and pulled me up onstage!!!!!!!! Then, he gave me his guitar and pick and then he went into the audience to play the role of a fan. It was an odd mixture of extreme excitement and a bit of terror as I can't play guitar, not even a little bit (and it was a bit difficult to try as the guitar was hanging pretty low on me, given that I'm smaller than Colin Meloy). I attempted to play at least a scale or strum a chord that I knew, but there was a capo about halfway down the neck which was a bit hindering for me and I could barely hear any sound that I was making. I tried my best to play the rock star, but I was shaking quite a bit. I tried walking around and high-fiving the audience, but I was a little afraid that I would trip over all the wires onstage and mostly stayed put. At some point (I didn't really notice that much of what was going on aorund me), Chris and pulled up another audience member to play his guitar. In the meantime, Colin was acting the groupie, shouting to John that he loved him and jumping around. Eventually, he came back onstage and I gave him his guitar back, shook hands, and then he hugged me and I joined the audience again. So, aside feeling like a bit of a schmuck for not actually knowing how to play, it was fucking phenomenal. I'm still not entirely sure that this actually happened to me, and everytime I picture Colin holding his hand out, I giggle like a school girl. This truly was the craziest thing that's ever happened to me.

We waited outside the stage door again, mostly so I could apologize for my lack of talent and promote myself by telling him I could play trumpet (maybe they could use me on this tour for "The Sporting Life"?), but Colin went right into the van and it drove off. Oh well. I think I can make due with only having the experience of playing onstage with the Decemberists. Holy fuck!!!!!!!!!

Wonder Boys

2007-10-26T06:23:00.000-07:00

I have finished reading Jane Eyre. It seemed to me to end a bit abruptly, but it was a pretty good read, I'll say. Rochester is a bit of a douche bag, though not nearly as much as St. John. It tends to drag a bit, though I did really like the first part of the novel, before Jane grew up. I enjoyed Charlotte Bronte's writing--she has a very poetic style. I don't know that I really have that much to say (write) about it though. I've been reading a few academic articles about it, but after that I'm not sure what I want to read at work next. This is where you come in, dear readers. Please help me decide what to set upon next by voting. Here are some options.
Reading at work:

Persuasion by Jane Austen

Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte

The Sea-Gull by Anton Chekhov

anything by Charles Dickens

Middlemarch by George Eliot

something by Henry James

Ulysses by James Joyce

something by Edgar Allan Poe

anything by Mark Twain

anything by Jules Verne

something by Edith Wharton

something by Virginia Woolf

Stay tuned to vote on what I should read next in the at-home category!

Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood

2007-10-15T13:23:00.000-07:00

Good news everyone (besides the Bible)! For the past week or so, I've noticed a contentedness blossoming in my life. I'm getting more organized and confident with my job, as well as my reading progress at said job. I bought a swim suit and will be swimming every other day, which helps the whole healthy-in-the-body bit. Most importantly, I've had better and better thoughts recently. What I'm really happy about is that I am content and not ecstatic. This is very important to me, as the former more or less equals healthfulness and the latter not as much. It feels almost as if I'm starting over, which is pretty nice. I am becoming better at relaxing and maintaining a laid-backness throughtout each day. While before I might imagine myself somewhere or doing something else if I didn't particularly like where I was or what I was doing, I am now just imagining a happy place/thought. The difference is that now, it's a more relaxed imagining--instead of thinking about being somewhere else physically, I find it works better if I picture the place mentally and leave it at that, without the extra work of making it tangible or realistic (if that makes sense). I'm trying to be more patient with people, especially when I'm driving (though I don't think that one will work so well until I get out of this state--no wonder they don't make cars here anymore, they don't know how to operate them). Also, I'm trying to be productive, but at the same time not worry about being productive so much. Basically, I'm trying and somewhat succeeding at worrying less overall--which is a great improvement for me. I think the only place I am less successful with this strategy is in the financial department. So, if you have a lot of extra cash that has been burdening you as of late, please feel free to send it my way.

Post to come: the TV season so far (idea stolen from John)

Everything In Its Right Place

2007-10-10T17:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Belated Birthday John!!!

In other news, I have become greatly worried about the current and future state of House. Last night's episode (spoiler alert!!!! Oh No!!!!) featured House acting like a room full of writers have succumbed to fatigue/writer's block/absence of good ideas. I was afraid when I saw the preview for last night's episode last week. Surely they won't have their star character act completely out of character, surely a life long atheist and superb doctor won't act this naively , surely they won't throw all of the characterization they've provided the past few years in one fell swoop. I can accept him sticking a knife into an outlet in order to prove someone wrong (beyond a doubt, or at least as much as that is possible), to shut down the inevitable comment of "you've never been there," but now the preview for next week makes me worry again. Surely they're not going to bring the supernatural into this show. Why are the writer's obsessed with his atheism and continually provide him with inferior foils espousing Christianity? Can't there be an escape from the overabundance of the bad side of religion in our culture right now (I'm looking at you people who don't "believe" in evolution)? Hopefully this will just be a case of networks providing horribly inaccurate previews for their programs (I'm looking at you ER trailers). And another thing...I don't like what the writers are doing with this new blonde chick. Okay, so she's the "female House," only it doesn't work. I get the point that men get away with being sarcastic/arrogant/condescending/aggressive/etc. much more than women do, but that's not what's happening here. The reason House is likable is that he's exceptional and can back up all of his arrogance and everything else and then some. This woman is not exceptional and I'm tired of hating all the female team members (though I do like the woman who correctly diagnosed the patient this past week). So, hopefully I'll be able to continue watching House. If they fuck up next week, I won't be able to watch and then I'll be very sad and mourn my loss for quite some time. Sigh.

Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)

2007-10-09T16:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday John and Sean!!!!

The Sporting Life

2007-10-05T11:50:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Colin and Carson!!!!!

In other news, I've decided that East Lansing law enforcement is wretched. On the first day of my job up here, more than a month ago, I noticed a yellow light and went through the intersection because I wasn't far enough way when the light changed to stop. I was then pulled over by a motorcycle cop who gave me a $175 ticket. Feeling that this was utter bullshit, I contested the ticket this past Wednesday. To no avail. The judge deemed that I was responsible and I was relieved of quite a chunk of my not-so-ample finances. I figured I would lose if the cop showed up (which he did), but I thought I might have a bit of a chance. I didn't realize that the court and the police headuquarters are in the SAME FUCKING BUILDING! Fuckers. So I'm stuck driving every day in a town where the police have nothing better to do than ticket drivers who commit a perceived offense. My only consolation is that I added to the number of tickets issued by this particular police officer that are contested (I'm thinking that list is quite long), and that maybe someone will take him aside and tell him not to be such a douchebag. Other than the ridiculous police, the roads and drivers in this city/state are starting to wear on my nerves. This is how they drive around here:
1. 5-10 miles below the posted speed limit
2. 30-40mph on the on-ramp for the highway (when the ramp is a straighaway)
3. cluster in one lane (there is often two cars in the left lane and fifteen in the right, even though none of those fifteen plan on making a right turn)
4. stop with a car space or two distance between them and the car in front of them at a stoplight
5. block an intersection when there's a back-up in the lane instead of stopping at the light
6. stop (or slow to a crawl) while on a road for no apparent reason
7. wait a minimum of 5 seconds before proceeding when they get a green light (the same goes for making a left turn)
8. other things that annoy me and impede my passage

Though it's not all bad up here. Last weekend, a friend of Chris accompanied us to Ann Arbor and on the way back, we drove through a suburb called Chelsea that seemed very nice. The other day I learned that Chelsea is home to none other than Jeff Daniels! Perhaps I will meet him someday.

One last thing--Chris and I watched the Office last night and are both hoping that it does not continue to dwell in over-the-top land for any other episode this season.

Paris Is Burning

2007-09-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

So, having free time at work means that I have been catching up on my news, and when I say news, I mean headlines on MSN's site (which is the homepage that is set on the computers here). Most of the things I read, then, are strange items of news or celebrity gossip (I have become intimately familiar with all of Britney's travails as of late). Some interesting things I learned today: a pet bunny was stolen from a preschool room in protest of a circus that was in town. A paraphrase from one of the preschool's attendees, "Our bunny was stoled. I'm sad." More bizarre than that, a man in North Carolina bought a smoker at an auction. The items at the auction were culled from abandoned items at a storage silo. He got home, opened up the smoker, and found, wrapped in paper, a human leg, severed a couple of inches above the knee. Did a loan shark leave it there after collecting it from a client? Perhaps the Russian mob was involved (though from what Without A Trace tells me, they're more likely to go after fingers)? A serial killer? Nope, something less exciting, but way more fun--police called the woman who the smoker had belonged to and she told them that her son had been in a plane crash, had his leg amputated, and kept it for "religious reasons." So now, the son is going to drive to North Carolina to pick up his leg. You'd think he'd be a little more careful about hanging on to that limb. In other leg-related news, a man smuggled a couple of exotic iguanas into the country via a compartment he had hollowed out of his prosthetic leg. I like the idea of hiding things in a prosthetic limb, though I think I would use it for less illegal and less alive things.

Soon, I will e-mail Oliver Sacks. I'm pretty excited. I am almost finished with his book The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat and found that in one of his cases, a woman who is "simple" is quite a poet and described her grandmother's death as the woman going to her "long home." Sacks was impressed by this and wondered if that was an original phrase. While reading Jane Eyre, I came across that phrase (uttered by Helen). Apparently, the simple lady liked to have books read to her, so maybe that is where she picked it up. Anyway, I think it's worth a shot to e-mail Sacks about it. So, it seems I'm getting quite some mileage out of this Jane Eyre book, though it's dragging a bit for me now. Hopefully some fun things will start happening. I read some analyses of her drawings online last week which contained some spoilers--so I know I have some strange things to look forward to.

Chris and I have moved about twenty feet or so from where we lived. It seems to have worked out really well. We have a lot more space now (so there's plenty of room for anyone who wants to visit...hint hint) and I think overall, this apartment is better. In other Chris related news, we will be seeing My Brightest Diamond in Grand Rapids, MI on November 10th (it's a Saturday). Tickets are only $10 and My Brightest Diamond is really really good, especially live. She/They will also be in Chicago the next night (at the Lakeshore Theater), but if you go to that show, you won't have the pleasure of our company.

The Island

2007-09-20T13:28:00.000-07:00

I have been employed in Michigan now for about five weeks now. I'm pretty sure that I like my job, although I don't think I'll ever really grow accustomed to this whole 9 to 5 real world deal. The good thing about the job I have is that while I am somtimes busy with easy office tasks, I have quite a bit of time where I don't have to do anything and have relative freedom to do what I want. My time is divided between my cubicle and covering at the front desk for the receptionist. When I'm in the front, I can openly read, which is very nice and allows me to progress through my Idiot's Guide to Music Theory quite nicely. When I'm at my desk, I think that I have to pretend that I'm occupied with work-related tasks, which means I make abundant use of the internet and all its glorious offerings. I have been making use of one of those offerings in particular: readprint.com--a website containing free texts. So far, I have read 1984 and Animal Farm. Currently, I am reading Jane Eyre. I enjoy it so far, though I'm only on chapter 13 and have only just been introduced to Rochester (who seems like a douche). This chapter has made me excited and impatient for the end of October when I will hopefully have the chance to converse with a certain Mr. Colin Meloy. Jane has just brought her drawings to Rochester for examination and has described the first of said drawings. This is an image of a sinking ship with a cormorant atop the mast holding a bracelet in its beak, which belonged to the drowned woman whose arm is visible as she sinks into the sea. I am excited because I plan on asking Colin Meloy whether or not Jane Eyre (like The Tempest) influenced the lyrics to The Island. I'm very excited about this for two reasons: 1) I find connections between media terribly interesting and b) perhaps this question will impress Mister Meloy and will lead to a great friendship which will span the ages--yes, your children will hear all the wonderous details of the solidarity between Colin and Jill. Here's hoping...

Also, Chris and I will be moving...details to come after this weekend.

Song for Jedi

2007-09-09T10:51:00.000-07:00

So I exercised a bit today at the new gym I joined. Hopefully this is the beginning of a regular happening. And as I was driving home, I was thinking about something. Therefore, I am blogging about it. My question to you, dear readers, concerns habits of thinking. How long will it take until the thoughts that I want to have become the thoughts that I actually have. Case in point, because I am a female cliche, I have body image issues. Recently, I have noticed that my boobs have become smaller. And of course there are always fluctuations in breast size, but it seems to me that there's been a pretty significant, well okay, not really significant, but....noticeable reduction. And I know I shouldn't let that bother me. And I know that size isn't as important as quality, i.e. it's better to have smaller nice, firm boobs than sloppy sagging pieces of crap, but it still does bother me. And it's the same with any part of my body that I dislike or am disappointed in. I've often had this question and it has been my number one skepticism of therapy, self-help, etc. Do these issues and/or problems ever really get fixed. And of course, this is a question that concerns many more issues than body image, but because I am a stereotype surrounded by banality wrapped inside triteness, this is the main problem I have. Will I ever naturally and completely organically be okay with my appearance? Can one really derail or even detour trains of thought?

Hyacinth Girl

2007-08-31T11:49:00.000-07:00

The job I have doesn't involve much work, from what I can tell. They pretty much leave me alone and I have maybe 8 tasks to do each day. My day is broken up by covering the front desk several times for the receptionist's breaks. So, to fill my days (and to look like I'm doing work so I won't be disturbed), I have been reading books online (one so far, so more like a book online). I have just completed 1984. I've told myself that I'll spend my time away from academia catching up on things I should have read a long time ago, or at least trying to do that. I did enjoy reading 1984, though I didn't know how much of a downer the end is going in. I enjoyed it and got caught up in it, etc., but I think my anxiousness to continue reading was almost as much because I didn't have anything else to do as much as it was to get back to the story. One very strange thing did happned, though...

I have a tendency to get lost in media sometimes--in books, films, and music mostly. This doesn't happen all the time, but frequently enough so that I'm a bit used to it, even though it's a very surreal sensation. Most of the time, I disconnect from reality and the thoughts in my head seem more real than the everyday normalcy that's going on around me. This usually lasts for a couple of hours or so, and I usually spend some time alone and then it dissipates. Today, as I was reading the final chapters of Orwell's dystopia, this occurrence happened and took on a new level. I suddenly thought about something that I may or may not have been dreaming about the past couple of days. It may have been a thought that ran through my head while I've been reading for the past week or it may have been purely from a dream. I became dizzy and nauseous and had to hold the edge of the desk in front of me to steady myself. My thoughts moved slowly and I kept glimpsing the edges of them, trying to remember what they were and where they were from. It was a very odd feeling and I don't think I'm describing it very accurately. I felt some physical pain along with the dizziness and nausea. And now, two and a half hours away from the incident, I can remember it and not remember it at the same time. It was very odd.

But, now I have to go cover a break and decide what I want to read next.

Happiness with less of the obsession bits

2007-08-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a lot of my time the past two days watching three music videos for Feist songs. They are really really fantastic.

1234
So, the various theories about music and how the right note, chord, etc. can produce magic, yadda, yadda, yadda...the "oh-wo-oh" part of the song (that usually involves hand clapping) automatically makes me happy--very, very happy. This video produces contentment, which is better than euphoria. Anything involving musicals or musical sensibilites (which means all three of these videos)? I'm in! The choreography is wonderful, the colors are vibrant and perfect. And it suits the song wonderfully.

Mushaboom
This version was directed by Patrick Daughters, and while I'm usually not one to throw around certain words, the man is a fucking genius. This is the guy who brought you such spectacular videos as "Maps," "Title and Registration," "Gold Lion," and the third Feist video featured here. Wonderful, wonderful work. There's a lot in this video to remind me of Spike Jonze, "It's Oh So Quiet" and his Adidas commercial.

My Moon My Man
Another one by Patrick Daughters that is absolutely amazing. I really like her style of dance, and the way she moves in this video reminds me of Christopher Walken's style. The mood, lighting, and choreography are utterly fantastic, especially with the cutting of the shots in the music interlude timed to the cymbals. The movement in this video is captured perfectly.

Nightingale

2007-07-19T13:12:00.000-07:00

The Plan:
Drive to Chicago after work on Tuesday with Chris, go to the Logan Square Auditorium and stand in line to see Laura Veirs open for Mirah. Maybe Colin Meloy will be there. Maybe Laura Veirs will go to the Decemberists show the next day. Maybe I can do something to navigate my way around the reserved-for-friends-of-the-park seats and sit in front. After the show, spend the night at a friend's pad and then arrive at Millenium Park at 7am on Wednesday to see the stage being set-up and soundcheck, possibly chat/hang around a Decemberist or two, or five.

The Outcome:
Chris and I arrived at the Auditorium around 7pm or so, and the only people in line in front of us was a group of about four or five people. Laura Veirs came out of the building briefly to return an iron she borrowed from someone in this group. We were right in the front for the show, which was really good except that a lot of the audience was talking throughout her set and the acoustics in the place made the chatter especially noisy and bothersome. Chris got the setlist, we both got an autograph (she signed the collection of sestinas, Jim and Dave Defeat the Masked Man, I brought with me, thus continuing my tradition of having musicians sign books), and we got to talk with her a little bit, but she seems pretty shy so that we asked her a question, she'd answer, but there was never an opportunity for any kind of conversation. Mirah's set began, and while I have recently downloaded some of her music and like it, I wasn't completely interested in her show, both because I'd already seen what I'd come to see and because by that point I was feeling a bit blue. After the show, we go out to my car and are about to give the friend and his girlfriend a ride, when my car doesn't start. It's not that it struggles to start, it's that it never gets to the point of turning the engine at all. Nothing. So, the friend and girlfriend left to take public transportation and Chris and I prepared for a fun evening. By this point the feeling blue had reached its head and it's a good thing Chris was there, otherwise I may have destroyed a bit of self and/or property before doing anything productive about the situation. Because of AAA, we were able to get a free tow back to Dekalb, but, because of AAA, we had to wait almost two hours for this to happen. The tow truck driver pulled up, hooked my car up to the truck, got back in his cab, and stared at us through his sideview mirror. We got in and prepared for a long drive. The tow truck driver, let's call him Patty McShitty, got a little better on the highway when he started talking and being somewhat congenial. We learned that he'd been working for the past 36 or so hours, meaning he had to periodically roll down the window to keep himself awake. We finally get to Dekalb and to the parking lot behind my apartment building around 3:30am, and all is seemingly going well, or as well as it could be going. But, of course, things can always get worse. Patty McShitty released my car in the row of parking spots that neighbors the parking lot of the apartment building in back of mine. There is a small bit of grass that slopes down into that lot, and on this bit of grass are some electrical boxes. Having not been towed that often and having no instructions given from Patty McShitty when he picked us up, I had left my car in neutral. So, the car was released, it proceeded to roll down the small hill, scrape by a couple of the boxes, and nearly miss the Audi that was parked in the other apartment building's lot. Patty McShitty got my car back up and into the lot it was supposed to be in and I saw that while there was some damage cause, luckily, it was minimal. Then, Patty McShitty left. We did not tip him a fucking penny. He was a shitty tow truck driver.

It was not looking good for the Wednesday plan. However, Wednesday did turn out better than I could've ever reasonably expected (before or after the shenanigans of Tuesday night). We went as a group of four, had a fun ride, parked in the most confusing parking garage I've ever been in, got a good spot in line, and didn't have to wait that long before getting seats. We ended up sitting in what I think was the best place we had access to in the venue, and while there were some annoyances (old people who hold up their umbrellas at almost arm's length for some unknown reason, idiots behind us who didn't know they were at a rock concert), it was a spectacular show. Everything sounded great, the set list was awesome, and it didn't ever rain beyond drizzling. There was also a really great security guy who made sure that everything was awesome. The highlight, though, and a highlight that may not have happened had it not been for the change of plan: talking to Colin Meloy!!!! Shortly before the line was let in to the seating area, I spotted Mr. Meloy walking about ten feet away toward the park. I was torn between not wanting to harass him and wanting to talk to him, and I followed him a bit. There was someone else who saw him and followed to talk and get a picture. I took the picture for him, though when I was holding the camera up, I noticed how much I was shaking. Colin recognized me (!!!!!) and I told him how I was reading The Mysterious Benedict Society and how much I enjoyed the book and its illustrations (done by Carson Ellis, his girlfriend). And then he walked around the park, and I clicked my heels while walking back to the line. It was a wonderful day. Though the best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry, sometimes it's really for the best.

2007-07-10T07:32:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about it for a while now, and I've decided to edit my harem (the inappropriately-titled group of male celebrities I have huge crushes on). I think I should whittle it down a bit since it has grown rather large (and I always manage to forget one person when I'm rattling off the list to anyone who happens to be interested). I've thought about adding a few people, but I think I'll only add one. And I'll try to order them, since heretofore, it has simply been an only slightly-ranked list.

Harem prior to today:
1. Colin Meloy
2. Ben Gibbard
3. Sam Rockwell
4. Will Forte
5. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
6. Jonny Lee Miller
7. Trey Parker
8. Zach Braff
9. Jason Schwartzman
10. Jon Stewart
11. Steve Carell
12. Hugh Laurie
13. Clive Owen
14. Stuart Murdoch

Harem today and onward:
1. Colin Meloy
2. John Roderick
3. Ben Gibbard
4. Sam Rockwell
5. Will Forte
6. Jonny Lee Miller
7. Hugh Laurie

This was a hard decision and many people have been taken out simply because it is difficult to give a lot of attention to so many people. I have tried to make this new harem full of people that I actively enjoy and read about/follow their career. Sigh.

You shook Sinatra's hand. You should know better.

2007-06-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't seen as many films as I would like as of late, but I have seen several great ones.

Waitress is a delightful film that unfortunately has a horribly tragic backstory. Its writer/director/co-star, Adrienne Shelly, did a wonderful job with this story, keeping it balanced when it could have so easily succumbed to sentimentality or banality. Sadly, Shelly was senselessly killed before even finding out the film had been accepted to the Sundance Film Festival, but if there's any bright side at all, at least she's left behind a remarkable movie to be remembered by--truly a high note to go out on. The plot and characters of Waitress are charming and believable because of superb performances and a script that allows characters to be people and not caricatures. Great, but I can't help thinking: if only I liked pie...

Going only on a vague desciption of the movie in Entertainment Weekly's Summer Movie Preview, I wanted to see Paris Je T'aime. After seeing a preview for it, I really wanted to see it. It looked like one of those films that would instantly be a favorite, a film with a "gimmick" that would actually work splendidly. And that's exactly what it is. The movie has eighteen short segments, and while some have a better sense of beginning-middle-end than others, I can't think of one that I didn't enjoy. There are some that are adorable, some that are heartbreaking, and some that are laugh-out-loud funny, and all are a good time. I would list a couple as especially splendid, but I would end up listing almost all of them.

I meant to see The Queen last year both when it was released and especially when it was nominated for all of the Oscars. I was pretty certain I'd like it after what I had heard, but I was a little wary after some critics had said it felt more like a TV movie than a film. I suppose I can understand why they would feel that way, but I did not have that experience. I am fairly familiar with the royal family. I remember the day that Diana died, but I wasn't completely aware of the controversy immediately after. Like everyone else, I thought The Queen did an excellent job of portraying the situation and those in the middle of it fairly. I fell in love with Queen Elizabeth because of her grace and her politeness. Man, she is one polite lady (I wish that I could be a tenth of how polite she is). And man, Philip is a douchebag. And Charles is a sadsack pussy (well, I already knew that pretty well). And Tony Blair's wife is quite the snatchbasket. I really enjoyed the film, but I think it was at its best in the quiet moments when Helen Mirren really shines.

I was really looking forward to Ocean's Thirteen because, c'mon, I'm pretty sure you're crazy if you weren't looking forward to it. And it did not disappoint. I mean, it's not quite an Ocean's Eleven, but it is the one they should've done last time (if only that was allowed to be part of the title). Once again, we have a film that's incredibly visually interesting and a rollicking good time. The Godfather reference was fantastic (you could learn something Knocked Up), the heist was awesome, Julia Roberts wasn't around to remind us of how little acting ability she actually has...This is an incredibly fun movie filled with eye and ear candy (both in the dialogue and the music). And the last two lines of dialogue are hilarious.

Magneto and Titanium Man

2007-06-18T06:27:00.000-07:00

Happy 65th Birthday Paul!!!!!

What It Feels Like For A Girl

2007-06-14T19:27:00.000-07:00

So I wrote this poem and I think I want to put more in it (i.e. make it longer), but I'm not sure. I really like the idea of taking one piece of art and making another inspired by it. Notice all the allusions. I'm such a modernist! Thoughts?

Williams' Ophelia
is full of grief and
a son with unknown
motives holds her hand.
It was during the
cruellest month, with
the hyacinths in bloom,
and no one knew
if she would return
from the marsh.

Land of Confusion

2007-06-13T09:16:00.000-07:00

I saw Knocked Up last night. I didn't like it. I am very confused by the lavish praise, the adoration of the critics for this one. It's an "instant classic" apparently (Really?! Really?!) I suppose I should refrain from too much judgment, as the terrible viewing experience may have had some negative influence. I really like seeing movies in the theater, but almost every time I've been to the theater for the past couple of years, I have been frustrated and have now come close to the point of never going to the theater again. If it's not issues with the sound or lines showing up on the film, it is the utter stupidity and lack of consideration by the other people in the theater, who do not merit the term "fellow moviegoers." Last night, the onslaught of irritants began early. There was a preview for I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, which, whether offensive or not, simply looks stupid and not at all funny. One moment in the preview, Adam Sandler's character feels Jessica Biel's character boobs, then quickly removes his hands and tries to cover his I'm-supposed-to-be-gay-I-can't-like-boobs (there's already a problem, everybody, men, women, gay, straight, children, wolves like boobs. They're pretty awesome) with "Yucky!" This elicited a guffaw from the guy behind me. Now the couple behind me did like to talk a bit during the film, and the girl apparently missed the title of the movie since she kept gasping when Alison (Katherine Heigl) found out she was pregnant, but they at least tried to whisper and the guy could be heard shushing a bit so as not to bother other people. I still don't like you, couple behind me, after all, you would laugh at a joke that wasn't really funny and then cement my notion that you weren't very bright by repeating that line, a sign that you have mastered the ability to regurgitate words that you have just heard, but at least you're making an effort. This was not the case for the I'm guessing fifteen year old girl two seats down from me, who was actually partially sitting right next to me, since one of her legs was propped on that seat. Not only would she laugh in a kind of high-pitched girl-who-screams-in-public-when-she-sees-her-friends-five-feet-away laugh and also repeat the joke that was just said, she provided a running commentary, and not just whispering, but talking aloud, which consisted of: "Those boots are so cute!" "That's that one guy, I can't think of his name now" (when a Stephen Hawking reference was made) etc.

So, perhaps I would've liked the film a bit more had I not been seated in the we-ate-paint-chips-when-we-were-young section, but I'm not so sure. Upon originally seeing previews for the movie, I was underwhelmed. But then, the critics were saying good things, and I do like the people involved, so I thought it would be a worthwhile movie. Turns out, my first instinct was right. What was wrong with it? Well, let's start with the characters. Alison works at E! but has no idea who Doc Brown is. At the beginning of the film, I didn't think she had any actual personality, but then it gets worse as she becomes the hormone-driven pregnant woman stereotype. At one point, she goes into full-hose beast mode, gets upset at Ben (Seth Rogen) while driving, stops in the middle of the street (strangely no one began honking, which I would've done immediately had I been in the car behind her) and kicks him out of the car. I take it we're supposed to smile knowingly and think "Oh those pregnant woman, always crazy and acting like fucking cunts!" Except I find it hard to laugh at/care about a character who I would like to see bit a curb (sidenote: I grow very weary of the idea that pregnant women can act out and be excused. Yeah, it sucks to be pregnant, and yes, your hormones are wild and you feel differently than you normally do, but that is not an excuse to be a terrible person or to make those around you miserable. You want to have a baby? Fucking suck it up and deal with the process). Then there's her sister Debbie (Leslie Mann) who is also a pretty huge hose beast. I was pleasantly surprised to find that towards the end of the movie she becomes slightly less of a huge hose beast, but how many times are movies and tv shows (I'm looking at you Everybody Loves Raymond) going to present us with women who want to manipulate the person they're supposed to love, have no interest in sex, criticize everything around them, and have irrational fears about their children that are supposed to come off as maternal love and justified when they're actually more akin to paranoid witch-hunting? Debbie and Pete's (Paul Rudd) marriage, according to the critics, is supposed to be a realistic depiction of marriage and its troubles. Except that what it actually is is two people who are entirely wrong for each other who got married because of a pregnancy and would now probably be better off divorcing. Then there's the praise the film gets for all of its cultural references. Yes, there are quite a few. How many of said references are actually good and humorous? Maybe ten percent (including one that actually was really good about Meg Ryan). The rest were more along the lines of "Hey, I've seen movies. Like Total Recall. Remember that movie? Wasn't it good?" When a cultural reference is in a comedy, I would like that reference to be used in service of a joke or clever and creative, not just there, only for the sake of a cultural reference.

All this being said, the movie wasn't that interesting and wasn't that funny. Although, it did promote Munich at one point, which, unlike Knocked Up, is filmmaking at its finest.

International Harvester

2007-06-05T13:14:00.001-07:00

In April of 2006, there was a van carrying students from Taylor University in Indiana that was hit by a tractor-trailer on I-69. Five people were dead at the scene, including a girl named Whitney, and one girl, named Laura, was taken to the hospital, remained in a coma for five weeks, and then regained consciousness and entered a rehab facility. Only this isn't really what happened. Turns out, Laura died (and was buried in Whitney's grave) and Whitney was in the hospital (being cared for by Laura's boyfriend and family). This is very tragic and horrible, but it's also pretty fucking funny. It gets better. Laura's boyfriend, after finding out that he had been by the bedside of Whitney and that his girlfriend was six feet under had this to say, "There's been times these last couple of days that I've been mad at God...I feel like it's the biggest trick he's ever played on me." Absolutely. Naysay if you will, that ole trickster God is at it again! How did he manage to pull this one over on that boyfriend? Well, at the crash site, emergency workers rallied up dead and severely injured and sent them on their way. At the hospital, officials from the University were asked to identify the five bodies. Actually, they were asked to match a list of fives names to the deceased. Now, this was not the official identification of the body, the official one occurred, well, over a month later after Whitney had been awake and in rehabilitation. Officials "decided not to push" family members in order to ascertain who was lying on the slab in the morgue. That God! Pulling tricks on some Christian zealot by making people incompetent!! Ooh, one of my favorite parts: while in rehabilitation the girl was asked to write her name. What did she write? "Whitney Cerak" What was Laura's family's response? "Hmm...maybe we're idiots who can't recognize our own child, even after swelling in her face has gone down, the tube in her throat and mask over her mouth has been removed, she has spoken, and has written a name that belongs to someone else who was in the van during the crash." Though at least they're aren't as self-important and fucking arrogant as God-boy boyfriend who's mad at his Lord because apparently the world revolves around him.

Sigh.

Dashboard

2007-06-04T08:29:00.001-07:00

I have wanted to have the ability to write songs for some time now, but the recent disappearance of realistic career plans and life goals has made me think the pipe dream of fame and riches in several aspects of the entertainment industry should be considered a bit more seriously and that I should at least make a worthy attempt to move toward this horizon. So, I've been earnestly trying to swith from pure poetry to at least being in the vein of songwriting. That being said, the most recent song addiction has been Modest Mouse's latest single "Dashboard," and I've written something with that playing through my head. Basically, new words with a very similar rhythym and rhyme structure. One tiny step at a time.

Now that I'm clean-cropped
and wearing jeans,
they all look my way,
ask me questions, they seek me out.
And the last rite I can't fight,
trying to shove it back another year.
And the first jeer I couldn't hear
too busy with the sea in my sights.
When I walk down the streets
with my headphones on
the world becomes a story
and the location's looking good.
I frame the shot the best I can,
with the soundtrack selected
and my mind in a TV show,
everytime a TV show.
With the trumpet blaring, I'm just staring
transfixed on the girl in the shop window.
She'll be a star, I'll take her far
And I can only hope the fame won't wear thin.
But my time here is limited,
the shadows are nipping at my heels.
I'll set sail for the islands
in the distance, in the far-off West.
The existence here is fleeting
and I really should be heeding
the siren song way out West.

Blanket Hog

2007-05-21T11:01:00.000-07:00

I read the course evaluations my students wrote just now. I was expecting them to be filled with "You're such a cunt," and other similar epithets, since one girl just before writing her evaluation of me as a teacher and the Research Paper Class in general asked, "What happens if a teacher gets a bad evaluation from everyone in class." To which I replied something along the lines of "Jackshit." They were all pretty upset since I had just minutes before handed back their graded research papers, most of which received pretty low grades. So, much to my surprise, the evaluations were all pretty positive, and one claimed that my class was that student's favorite of the semester. This is very confusing to me since most students stared at me slack-jawed-like the whole semester.

Yesterday, my mom and I got back in town from Wisconsin and called in an order to a local restaurant for some deep dish pizza. My mom was going to pay in cash, so she asked me what the price was a little while after I called. I didn't think to remember the exact total, so I said "I think he said $16 something." We were in my apartment and she was fixing my lamp when the delivery guy knocked on my door. My mom told me she had put left a $20 bill on the table. The pizza guy quoted $13 something as a price. So I looked over at my mom to see what kind of tip she wanted to leave and she told him to keep the change. So I thought something along the lines of, "That's a pretty big tip, perhaps she's feeling generous," and then thought nothing more of it as my mind was consumed by the sight/smell/taste of the best kind of pizza mankind has ever seen/smelt/tasted. This morning, she left a message for me complaining of how she was ripped off. Apparently, she heard the delivery guy say that it was $16 something. And, she even thought, I don't know if I want to give him a tip of $3 and change. I told her that the delivery guy told her the right price but she is convinced that he scammed her. So, she would rather believe that she was malevolently swindled than that she willingly spent more money that she intended. Now, there have been occasions when I have tipped someone and then later realized that I had given more than I had anticipated, but I usually shrug it off and think "Well, that person is happy because of the big tip." Perhaps having been on the receiving end of tips encourages me to have a more laid-back attitude about such things. I'm just amused by my mom's outraged conviction.

Hide and Seek

2007-05-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

While I'm still putting off my posts about The Decemberists, Ben Gibbard, and Laura Veirs, I'll post about my name. Oftentimes, people have tried calling me Jillian, to which I reply "That's not my name." These people then accuse me of lying, claiming that I just don't like my full name. Let me assure everyone...Jill is as full as my name gets. But what if it were short for something (that's not Jillian)? So, Chris and I have come up with some ideas, and I'll put it to you, dear readers, to vote on which you think should be my official pseudo-real name.

1. Jillingsworth
2. Jillabelle
3. Jillerton
4. Jilltopher
5. Jillathan
6. Jillevieve
7. Jillberto
8. Jillifer
9. Jillt

Flicks

2007-04-30T10:50:00.000-07:00

To take a page from the book of John, and to put off my long-awaited Decemberists post a little while longer, I have compiled my Top Ten TV Shows I Currently Watch, Excluding Late Night TV:

10. Law and Order
9. Law and Order: SVU
8. CSI
7. Law and Order: CI
6. Numbers
5. Scrubs
4. Criminal Minds
3. The Office
2. House
1. The Simpsons

Copernicus

2007-04-10T12:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure what I think of this. What do you think?

Joliet's under the rain
but you're stuck there
approaching Division.
two lanes of intermittant
traffic and you're stopped
on the side.
You exit, lie face down on
the pavement, swearing
you won't budge,
and you mean it this time.

he brings the bow back
toward his chest, pointed
toward the organ inside him
and behind him.
he repeats the notes,
underscoring the mood of
the crowd and thinks of
the organ inside him
and behind him,
the organ,
and the organist,
the organ player.

Good afternoon
Washington Island,
I'm returning your daughter,
she couldn't even
get off the bus.

Clouds

2007-03-28T11:53:00.000-07:00

Fantastic things to blog about! First, Chris and I saw The Long Winters at the Blind Pig in Ann Arbor last Sunday. They were playing in Chicago on Saturday, but I decided to go up to Michigan instead, since the Blind Pig's website proclaims that John Lennon once played there! Having gone to relatively few live shows, I've never seen a non-local band play at such a small club. The place wasn't all that much bigger than my apartment. Having gone to shows of bands that I'm obsessed with that play bigger places, we arrived in Ann Arbor around 4:30pm (doors opened at 9pm, according to the tickets). It turns out that Ann Arbor isn't a bad town six days out of the week. Sunday, however, is the day when people sacrifice sandwiches to the gods, though, and I advise not going there on this holy day, unless you want to pay too much money for a frilly sandwich and latte at a cafe. So, we spent a lot of our time waiting in a bar underneath the bar/club where the band would be playing. Except, after playing darts we went back outside to get some fresh air and to make sure that a line wasn't forming. It was pretty windy outside, though, and I wanted to go in, but Chris said we should stay and finish going through the down clues (we were working on a GLBT crossword puzzle). I knew having Chris around would pay off at some point--a van with Washington license plates pulled up and started unloading Long Winters. So we shook hands and introduced ourselves to two of the members, John Roderick and Eric Corson. Later on, when we started waiting outside permanently at around 8pm, we had a chat with Eric as he was smoking, and he told us about the drunken antics witnessed post-show in Chicago.
So, the show. The opening band, Stars of Track and Field, were pretty good, though they seemed to rush through their set and didn't really interact with the audience. Then, a very awesome, two hour show by John Roderick and company. Some highlights: being not much more than a foot away from the band, the ensuing song when someone in the audience requested Rush (Eric broke into I don't know, some Rush song (I make a point of not knowing their oeuvre) and John improvised his "best Neal Peart impression": "dungeons and dragons, wizards....Ayn Rand, determinism, secular humanism"), all of the stage banter, all of the songs, the non-encore which consisted of playing more songs, though without the superfluous five minutes of the audience cheering to an empty stage waiting for the band to return, and the aftershow chatting with the band. Chris bought one of their albums, When I Pretend To Fall, which was signed by everyone (prior to this show, I had seen John Roderick play at the 826 Benefit in Chicago--where he played "Porcupine Pie" with Ben Gibbard, and had afterward downloaded some Long Winters songs, but hadn't really given a good listen to more than about three songs. I went to this show mostly to once again see the excellent stage presence and voice of John Roderick). I had a good conversation with Roderick, during which he wished me luck with my Master's degree (!), and I hope I came off as an interesting, funny, and suave person who he was charmed by. All around excellent day which I hope to repeat sometime in the future.

In other blog-worthy news, The Decmeberists DVD, The Decemberists: A Practical Handbook, became mine on Tuesday!! It is fantastic. Consisting of a recording of their performance at the Roseland Theater in Portland from November 4, 2005, a documentary (excellent, though it should be longer!) called Paris Before the War, and the music videos for "The Tain," "The Bachelor and the Bride," "16 Military Wives," "The Soldiering Life," and "Here I Dreamt I Was An Architect," it will not leave my DVD player for a good amount of time. The video for "The Tain" is tremendously spectacular. I have a feeling it will prevent me from getting much work done. It presents the story of The Tain and is done in silhouette animation by Andy Smetanka, who used the same medium to produce a truly excellent video for "The Bachelor and the Bride" as well. Really, it must be seen, it can hardly be adequately described and praised through me writing a blog entry. So, that's all in blog land for today. I have a Decemberists concert to listen to from World Cafe.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute, give a minute..."

2007-03-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

when you're driving home
you'll take a tour of
the hole in the ground,
it runs at about 80 cents/hr.
and your car will
travel over those
hundreds of miles,
the headlights doing
their best to cut a
swath out of the
pitch black of a
highway without streetlights
on its sides.
and when you're on your
way home, out to the East,
I'll look out in the night
and wait for the sun to rise.

What Is Life

2007-02-25T12:43:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday George!!!!!

Standing Still

2007-02-25T12:36:00.000-08:00

things very pleasant,
the dinner made in
the kitchen,
the music playing
that falls on a line
between 'soft rock'
and what the kids
are listening to these days
the definitions aren't
so distinct, not mandated
things very relaxed
no one here's worried,
not overly concerned
no one is left lonely
in their thoughts
the present's the thing,
the presence the thing.

No Dice!

2007-02-21T21:32:00.000-08:00

Trains from Chicago
And I think of how
I can't use "darling"
like they can,
it just doesn't sound right
and when I think of
wanting to be someone else,
I remember that they
don't call you darling,
and they don't have a
love for the Chef's Kitchen.
It's ten o'clock on a
Wednesday evening
and I'm sitting here
remembering what
Washington looked like
eleven years back, in
the white shadow of Maryhill,
O Klickitat, you have
remembered too.
It's a cold winter evening
and I think about
reading on the front lawn
and remember that I
never finished that tale.
And I think of how
I like watching the audience
that doesn't react,
it just makes me feel better
and when I think of
wanting to be something else,
I remember that
the Thinker used to be the Poet,
and it has never
been to Bronson.

Some scribblings

2007-02-01T22:31:00.000-08:00

A few things I wrote tonight, which aren't very good, but I haven't written anything in a while.

#1
the darkest night,
all of the stars have gone.
the sun remains,
but only to focus
our eyes in the day,
to look at what we have left.

#2
he's a creature who
feasts on eyes.
he's a righty,
his brother a Southpaw.
obsessed with revenge,
he's endlessly filling
the hole in his skull,
swallowing the orbs
now blind in his stomach.

#3
The seventh point
in your steps toward
self-deter-tualization
tells me that I must
pick a color for my spirit.
green is my favorite, is
favored by such distinguished
persons as Ralph Nader
and Joe Peta.
but it's the color of the
eyes of a monster,
and I don't want to be a monster.
yellow is sunshine, yet
also cowardly and the
hue of urine (when
one isn't all that hydrated).
red is brave and dangerous,
the bad boy of the spectrum,
terribly exciting, but
red seeps from fatal wounds.
blue is the wide open sky,
and the shade of the
bird of happiness,
but it's also melancholy,
downtrodden, not much fun
to be around.
I wonder how this color
can exemplify both ends.
and I think that blue
is the color of
your steps are shit.

More Today Than Yesterday

2007-01-16T21:30:00.000-08:00

So, I haven't seen nearly as many movies as I should have from 2006. I hope to remedy this a bit in the coming days, especially after the Oscar nominations are announced. But, I have seen some good ones, and I will rank those that I've seen so far. It always surprises me when I go through the list of movies released in the past year since it seems I've seen some of them so long ago. There were many difficult decisions in ranking these (especially the top five or so, especially especially the top three), but I've come up with an order I'm reasonably satisfied with. So, without further ado...

Films of 2006
1. V for Vendetta
2. The Prestige
3. Lucky Number Slevin
4. Children of Men
5. Little Miss Sunshine
6. Wordplay
7. Borat...
8. Inside Man
9. Thank You For Smoking
10. Perfume: The Story of a Murderer
11. Notes on a Scandal
12. Casino Royale
13. Night at the Museum
14. Strangers With Candy
15. A Prairie Home Companion
16. Mission: Impossible III
17. The Devil Wears Prada
18. The Da Vinci Code
19. United 93
20. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
21. Superman Returns

Melt With You

2007-01-15T21:37:00.000-08:00

So I've seen some kind of unusual things in porns lately, but one I watched today takes the cake. This past week, I saw double vaginal and double anal (though not at the same time) and two women anally fisting each other. Today, I was watching a threesome between two women and one man. The odd thing: one of the women had a cast on her left arm! Why is she doing porn with a cast covering her whole left arm?! Maybe I've happened upon a fetish for injuries, or for pink casts. I had to laugh to myself (and then masturbate, though not to that particular clip).
Anyway, I start off my last semester of grad school tomorrow. I'm nervous about teaching again after the month of Winter break. But, I have a shirt from Victoria's Secret (it's not racy, though it does make my tits look pretty damn good, if I do say so myself) which I will wear to help me get a chili pepper on rateyourprofessor.com. Here's hoping! I'm also going to make a really large effort to not procrastinate this semester and stay on top of reading for classes and for my comprehensive exams. I'll need a lot of good luck for that endeavor.
I read Heart of Darkness over break (and now I can go to Pimmsfest '07!). I have to say...meh. It took me some time to get into it and read more than a few pages a sitting, and when the narrator arrives and interacts with Kurtz, it became more interesting, but I still didn't care for it very much. I thought it was heartbreaking when Marlowe tells Kurtz's Intended about the man's last words, but it never really gripped me at all. I didn't like Marlowe as a narrator and felt no connection to anyone or anything going on. I realize its importance and significance (because people have told me this, rather than me knowing much about literature having to do with Imperialism), but I don't feel like I've gained anything in particular from having read this work, other than being able to discuss it and how blah I feel about it when it comes up at cocktail parties (those crazy English student cocktail parties!).

"That's Not the Way She Tells It"

2007-01-02T16:40:00.000-08:00

Two recent developments which I have thought hilarious: first, an occurence which I said would work as a good stand-up joke, a thought Chris disagrees with (therefore I leave you, dear reader, as the judge)--I was pulling out of a slanted parking space at the same time as a car two spaces over, and the car stops to let me back out first. I think "What an idiot," and then I notice her bumper sticker "Euclid sucks!" Okay, it works better telling it than writing it, but still, I think it's damn funny. Chris thinks that it is too esoteric.
Another funny thing happened on the way to the forum that has beome a bit of a running joke between the two of us. I was getting in bed last night and Chris' elbow was in the way. So, I lie down in discomfort and in retaliation I'm going to put my cold hand on him, so I reach over, not aiming for anything in particular, but I happen to hit the jackpot and grab his wang. Chris said something that wasn't positive about this happening, called my hand the "icy hand of death", and his junk remained hidden away, safely tucked for most of the night. This is the moment that I discovered that he can tuck and untuck with no manual manipulation, which impressed me greatly. Anyway, two things that really amused me. I hope they amused you as well.

The Wheel

2006-12-12T14:36:00.000-08:00

There are now three, possibly four, instances of me mishearing a lyric from a song, and preferring that misheard one.

Instance #1 "Yellow" by Coldplay
Actual lyric:"For you I'd bleed myself dry"
What I heard: "For you I'd be myself [I don't know what]"
Actually, when I think about it, I think this was more of trying to recall the lyric and being incorrect, rather than actually mishearing it. Either way, "for you I'd be myself" is a really cool line and should be used somewhere.

Instance #2 "Never Is A Promise" by Fiona Apple
Actual lyric: "You'll say you'd never let me fall from hopes so high"
What I heard: "You'll say you'd never let me fall from heights so high"
The meaning of the actual lyric is superior, but I like the sound of mine.

Instance #3 "Tonight, Tonight" by Smashing Pumpkins
Actual lyric: "Believe in me as I believe in you"
What I heard: "Believe in me as I'm leaving you"
Undoubtedly, my version is better, albeit much darker. But I still stand by the belief that bittersweet is one of the best emotions out there.

Instance #4 "We Don't Need Another Hero"
Actual lyrics: "Give it all or nothing"
What I heard: "Is it all or nothing?"
Now, the judges are still out on this one. All the lyrics sites on the web claim the first version, but it really sounds like what I heard. And what I heard is much better. Less of a cliche, and once again darker, which, especially in art, tends to equal better.

Skating

2006-12-01T20:35:00.000-08:00

This was on a friend's blog and I thought it interesting. And maybe it'll make me feel more bookish.
1. One book that changed your life: I was just thinking about this the other day. I don't have a book that changed my life. I don't have any single work of art/experience/what have you that has altered my being. Sometimes I wonder if I'm missing out on anything, but then I know that I'm not (kind of a long explanation).
2. One book that you've read more than once: The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin
3. One book that you'd want on a desert island: Hmm....probably a toss-up between an Archie digest magazine (preferrably a Jughead Double Digest, possibly No. 10) and House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski
4. One book that made you laugh: Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman
5. One book that made you cry: Maus by Art Spiegelman
6. One book that you wish had been written: The Great Gatsby without a deceiving title--where Gatsby is the center character and is a charming, dashing rogue involved in the underground world of speakeasies and other fun 1920s gadabouts
7. One book that you wish had never been written: The Bible :) Actually, I don't know. I just ignore books that I don't like generally.
8. One book that you're currently reading: With the end of the semester, I'm only reading plays, criticism, and student's papers. But I plan on starting on David Sedaris' Holidays on Ice when I'm done with this.
9. One book that you've been meaning to read: Well, I have to read Heart of Darkness over break. I think the first non-school-related book I'll read will be The Fifty Year Sword by Mark Z. Danielewski.

A Post About Boobs

2006-11-29T22:48:00.000-08:00

Ah, diversion from what I need to be doing right now. Lately I have been comparing myself to celebrities in terms of breast size. And it tends to make me very happy, since I have never been able to stack up, as they say, before, and as I'm still in the stage of finding my breast size a novelty. So, I was looking up some of these a minute ago, and for some reason was saddened to discover that Christina Aguilera got implants. Judging the evidence, I'm pretty sure that I knew this already, but wouldn't admit it to myself. I'm not sure why this news disappointed me considering a) I'm not a big fan of her work, b) people can do whatever they want to their breasts, c) discovering that people with 'ideal' boobs have implants should make me more secure and therefore glad. So, I thought I'd compile a bit of a list of where I'm at in the ranks of celebrities' (reported) breast size, leaving out the fact that it's a bit skewed since most of these women are much thinner than I am. For a small sample, I'm using DeansPlanet.com for my sizing. I suspect that some of these are inaccurate, but I trust the good people at DeansPlanet to report honestly, and boost my ego.

Bigger than me:
Dolly Parton
Raquel Welch

Same size:
Christina Ricci
Elizabeth Hurley
Halle Berry
Jennifer Love Hewitt
Uma Thurman
Salma Hayek

Slightly less, possibly about same size:
Britney Spears
Demi Moore
Madonna
Marilyn Monroe
Mariah Carey
Tyra Banks

Smaller than me:
Cameron Diaz
Cindy Crawford

Los Angeles, I'm Yours

2006-11-14T19:43:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a while. I've been fairly busy, what with all the procrastinating I have to do. But, the most important and landmark event that has occurred since our last engagement, dear reader, was truly phenomenal and something that has still not been truly understood by my brain. I...met...Colin...Meloy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe it? I can't. A couple of months ago, I met Ben Gibbard, which was also very surreal and fantastic, but I didn't say anything to him other than getting his autograph. My harem isn't ranked, per se, but I think Colin Meloy is on the top of the pile, so it's especially extraordinary. But, from the beginning....
Saturday, November 11th: Chris and I drove to the city fairly early, arriving at the Riviera Theatre circa 11:30am. We began to walk around the building to see where the line began, if there was a tour bus anywhere, etc. and passed a man and woman on our way. I looked at the man and thought he looked familiar, and then realized that it was Chris Funk, the guitar player extraordinaire. As we passed them, I called out "Chris" and he turned around. I had him sign my copy of God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater and wished him a good show. He then went to the Borders across the street. Thinking that perhaps other Decemberists were looking at books, Chris and I scoured the bookstore in search of the so-far-elusive Mr. Meloy. No luck. Chris bought a cup of coffee from the cafe, and I asked the barista there if there were any book or record stores around the area, ones that might catch the fancy of a rockstar, perhaps. He pointed the way to one down the street called Shake, Rattle, and Read. Chris and I trekked over, and on our way came upon Jenny Conlee, keyboardist extraordinaire who was very friendly and mentioned that a friend of hers was once in a band called God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater. Filled with more hope, we roamed the small bookstore, but alas, no Colin there either. I did buy a copy of John Steinbeck's The Short Reign of Pippin IV, and chatted with the owner. He knew the Decemberists and I told him that he should give me a sign if Colin Meloy came in after we left. We then went back to the front of the Riviera to wait in line. Good thing too, since three college students came by shortly to also wait in line. After standing there for a few minutes, who should walk by on the sidewalk but the top member of my harem, Colin Meloy!!! It was very disorienting, but I tried to maintain my cool, suave veneer. I smiled and waved and then walked up to him and said hello. He signed my book, surprised at our early arrival at the theater, and noticed that I had already seen two of his bandmates. I wanted to ask a question, both out of curiosity and a need to make the conversation longer, and so asked him about the version of The Crane Wife that he read, since I noticed a discrepancy between his lyrics and my copy of the book. I wanted this question to seem smart and astute and interesting and impressive, though immediatly after asking, I felt it was none of these things. He answered that there are several discrepancies between the numerous translations of the book. He then walked down to Borders. After jumping up and down for awhile, Chris mentioned that he could take a picture of me and Colin on his phone when he would come back to the theatre. I was conflicted between wanting a picture and the possibility of spending more time with Colin Meloy (in person!!!) and coming off as a bothersome fan. Colin came back a little while later, walking with Jenny, and Chris took two pictures of the three of us, one with Colin's arm around me!! I wish I could remember what it was like to stand next to Colin Meloy with his arm around me better, but it's all a bit of a haze, what with the shock and disbelief. I told him about Shake, Rattle, and Read and he thanked me for the recommendation. Fast forward six or seven very cold hours, and Chris, my friend Dave, and I were standing in the front row, center stage, thoroughly enjoying a wonderful concert. The whole band stayed back from the edge of the stage the whole time, but Colin would come up every now and again to the loud roar of the crowd. At one point, he straddled the edge of the stage and the barrier that stood a couple of feet from it, his foot mere inches away from me. Oh, it was fantastic. This meeting has yet to fully sink in to my consciousness, and I don't know if it ever will. It's very strange. I've watched, read, and listened to everything from and/or about Colin Meloy that I can find, so part of me feels like I know him, yet it was made very obvious to me on Saturday that I don't. It's very odd to reconcile. So, goal #1 of meeting Colin Meloy, check. Goal #2: befriending Colin Meloy and seeing him often, soon, my friends, soon. So....anyone want to move to Portland?

Dear Mr. Supercomputer

2006-10-17T10:49:00.000-07:00

My tinkering with a friend's song/poem that I wrote as a poem:

staring down the stairs
at a door
through which
you'll appear.
soon enough, there'll be
a return.

staring down the lie
that floats around still
but as a whisper.
soon enough, I'll
only hear what I can see.

though I wish it did
and thought it could,
this trick can't make
anything disappear.

staring down the stairway
I'm not really waiting,
the most I can expect
is a specter.

staring down the lights
that line the corridor
everything is haloed.
soon enough, I'll
be blind in the dark.

though I wanted it to
and willed it so,
though I heard it could
and knew it must,
this door can't
open or close.

Power to the People

2006-10-09T20:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday John and Sean!!!!!!!

I am now working at Barnes and Noble in the cafe, which makes me miss my old Starbucks store and my old manager. Sigh. Oh well, it's money, which I need a lot of. Speaking of making money, I received $30 this weekend to judge three rounds of debate, which was interesting. I saw some good debates, but mostly very bad ones. But, it turns out that if the UN is given one trillion dollars, it can solve all the world's problems. So that's a relief. I'm trying to manage stress and time better which means that I'm trying to not worry so much about my two papers that are due next week that I haven't started on and trying to be confident that I can write both of them fairly well and hopefully finish them before the day they are due. Here's hoping.

The Perfect Crime #2

2006-10-05T15:25:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Colin and Carson!!!!!!

This will be a rather short post. All I really want to say is holy jesus The Crane Wife is so fantastic!! It's so very good that it hurts so very much. Ah. Without a doubt The Decemberists are my second favorite band, which is saying quite a bit since they are only below The Beatles. I am counting the days and nights until November 11th.

Something Of An End

2006-09-26T10:20:00.000-07:00

At the Museum
we walk looking
at artifacts of
your love lost,
stop in front of
a canvas
spanning the wall
'Burn the Ships
in the Harbor'
your hand presses
mine and we
say innocuous things
to keep our feet moving.
Out of the room, you
tell me you misheard
a lyric and prefer it
that way.
"Don't let me fall
from heights so high,"
you whisper.
There's an exhibit
for Georges Seurat
around the corner,
but you want to
make your way
closer to ground level.
I misheard a lyric, too.
"For you I'd be myself,"
I whisper back.

With John posting all the concerts he'd been to, I thought I would as well with as much information as I can recall and in no particular order, really.
1. Chicago and The Beach Boys Summer 1987 (?) possibly in Tinley Park
2. Stevie Nicks May30, 1998 New World Music Theatre, Tinley Park
3. Styx and REO Speedwagon Summer 2000 IL State Fair
4. Oldies Show (which included Tommy Roe, Billy J. Kramer, Gary Lewis, many more) Summer 2000 IL State Fair
5. Styx and REO Speedwagon U of I campus
6. Three Dog Night Sangamon County Fair
7. The Turtles, Gary Puckett, and the Grass Roots EIU campus
8. Chicago IL State Fair
9. Gary Lewis, the Boxtops, and Blood, Sweat, and Tears St. Louis
10. Dark Star Orchestra Peoria
11. Elton John and Billy Joel April 4 2003 Savvis Center St. Louis
12. Paul McCartney April 11 2002 United Center Chicago
13. Rufus Wainwright Spring 2004 Pageant St. Louis
14. Old 97s, They Might Be Giants, Counting Crows Taste of Chicago 2003 (?)
15. The Decemberists October 18 2005 Metro Chicago
16. Colin Meloy January 23 2006 Park West Chicago
17. Belle & Sebastian March 11 2006 Riviera Theatre Chicago
18. Franz Ferdinand and Death Cab for Cutie April 19 2006 Aragon Ballroom Chicago
19. Mates of State, Spoon, and Death Cab for Cutie August 12 2006 Greek Theatre Berkeley
20. Jethro Tull, opening act Guy Davis Murat Theatre Indianapolis Summer 2004
21. Revenge of the Bookeaters August 24 2006 Park West Chicago
22. No Doubt Verizon Arena Indianapolis Summer 2004
23. Sufjan Stevens, opening act My Brightest Diamond September 23 2006 Murat Egyptian Room Indianapolis
24. Kelly Joe Phelps Illinois College campus
25. Of Montreal Fall 2005 House Cafe Dekalb

I think that's about all.

Keep Fallin'

2006-09-24T15:00:00.000-07:00

My real complaint about grad school by Jill
For a while now, more specifically for the past year and a month or two, I've been thinking about and trying to articulate my various opinions about graduate school, specifically the Masters program in Film and Literature at Northern Illinois University. I've often bounced back and forth between feeling utterly hopeless as a grad student--that I don't belong here, that this is not what I want to do, that I'm a tourist and will be found out shortly, that I am a complete outsider in the world of academia, and feeling alright with everything and that I eventually will become a professor and will love doing it. One of the more important aspects of my inner-debate that I keep coming back to and am thinking about currently is the writing of academic papers. I am able to write very formal papers, but seldom willing to do so. I hate. Let me repeat, I really utterly depside, detest, abhor, and hate, fucking hate writing formal papers. Funny that I'm a grad student in English, you say. When I'm allowed to be somewhat informal, I feel better about writing essays. Needless to say, I have found many opportunities to write in a style that suits me throughout my academic career. I am in a course this semester that looks to be quite the opposite, so I am very much looking forward to writing a paper for that professor. Anyway, formality/informality aside, I have almost always looked at papers as simply something assigned to me. There have been some occasions where I actually wanted to write a paper, where I felt I had something to say and something to contribute to the pile of literary interpretation, but the ratio of these times to times I have had to write a paper is something like 1:10. I think my biggest (personal) issue with graduate school as a system (and I'm speaking very loosely here since all I am basing it on is my personal experience in my particular field in my particular part of the humanities in my particular university) is the writing of papers. In my ideal version of grad school that was in my head, I pictured a lot of reading and discussion. I pictured actually becoming a Master in the field in which one was studying. Devoting two to three years to really get to know your shit. To read as much as possible what's been written for and about your field of study, and to talk about it with learned people and other pupils eager to gain this knowledge. That by the time you were done, you could go to a cocktail party, and someone could ask you about post-modernism (yay for inside jokes), and you could speak knowledgably for a good amount of time without ever resorting to pulling things out of your ass. I'm alright with being tested about knowledge at the end, I'm alright with writing a thesis on something specific that you spend a lot of time on, I'm not alright with writing term papers simply because the professor can't think of a more original way to track how much you've learned and worked over the course of a semester. And let me pause here to reiterate that I'm simply writing about my opinion and experience. I'm more than willing to concede that I'm alone in my complaint here because maybe I'm just very lazy (which I am) and a slow reader (which I am) and like to complain about things (which I do) and perhaps need to always be in the position of railing against the norm around me (which is quite possible). Maybe I enjoyed my undergraduate experience because I was someone who like school in the middle of many people who were there because they were told to go there after high school, and now I'm no longer someone who is different or special and am around people who really like school. Perhaps I'm finding out that I like school because I knew my way around the system and did whatever I felt like doing within the confines of the educational system and didn't like actual jobs, and now I'm seeing that maybe I didn't really like school, I just liked doing what I wanted and the opportunity to not do work. Anyway, I want papers to be organic. I don't want to be forced and pressured to skim over various texts to find enough bullshit that supports some argument I don't really care all that much about making to fill twenty pages. And I realize that I'm papers are supposed to be organic, and that I'm supposed to read rather than skim things and really care about my argument, that I'm supposed to find something in the text I really care about arguing. But the thing is, I need more time to do that. I want to find a subject I like on my own, not because I have a deadline approaching. I then want to read everything I can find (that is not completely dull and uninteresting, in which case I will really try to read, but most likely end up skimming) on the subject, so that I actually know what I'm talking about in the paper, mull it over in my head a while until I feel confident in the matter and sincerely argue something. I want to become an expert in whatever I'm writing about so that I feel I can write about it. I'm not willing to become an expert (or even try that much) in every subject of every class I take. I admire those students who go the extra mile for every assignment and read something three times over and look up everything that they are confused about or find interesting, etc. I can't do that. Not with three classes, two sections to teach, friends to hang out with, a boyfriend to miss, TV to watch, music to listen to, movies to see, and more interesting things to read. I think I'm losing any conciseness and organization that I may have started out with here. Anyway, the point is I want to want to write papers, I want the process to be more natural, and I want to actually learn things in grad school. The whole idea of learning things just for a test or just for writing a paper has never felt more real or more appropriate than it does right now. And that just makes me sad, makes me think I'm wasting my time, and makes me want to work at a bookstore or in a videostore so that I can at least try to live up to my ideal grad school on my own. All this being said, I still think that I may feel differently about an MFA program in poetry, but I also know the odds of my being disappointed with that are pretty good. I know that I complain about grad school a lot, either in talking to people or in writing this blog, but it's something that I think about quite a bit and I can't help myself.

Riding Horses

2006-09-24T11:04:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Linda!!!!

I saw a fantastic concert last night. My Brightest Diamond opened for Sufjan Stevens and his Butterfly Brigade in Indianapolis. I began looking into My Brightest Diamond after Colin Meloy recommended her (Shara Worden, it's a one-woman band) on The Decemberists' blog on Myspace. I really liked what I heard and was excited that she was opening for the very talented Mr. Stevens. She was fucking awesome live. Ms. Worden was accompanied by a string quartet, as well as a drummer and bass player for a couple of songs. She was equally adept at playing in a concert-hall style and rocking out, and has an absolutely amazing voice. I highly recommend her album Bring Me the Workhorse and seeing her live if you can. More information can be found here. Then, Sufjan Stevens took the stage with his band (including Shara Worden and her instrumentalists) all dressed in masks and wings. He played a variety of songs from Illinois, Michigan, Seven Swans, and some others. A highlight: his dedication of the eponymous song to Jacksonville (I did whoo-hoo at the mention of Nichols Park). He had a thirteen-piece band (that's what I counted anyway) including two trumpet players, one of which also brought out a piccolo trumpet. He was very gracious and gave some stories of inspiration for the songs he played. Overall, a really really fantastic night. And, we were three rows away, which was spectacular. I went up to the stage afterward when the lead trumpet player was up there putting his horns away and told him he did some awesome trumpeting and gave him thumbs-up. He said thanks and awesome and returned the thumb gesture. So yeah, everyone should go and see both My Brightest Diamond and Sufjan Stevens.

A Million Ways

2006-09-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

I just saw a sticker on a car that read "Your girlfriend swallows." Is this really supposed to be an insult. Are we to believe that every girl who swallows is a filthy whore? Maybe the girlfriend in question simply doesn't have the presence of mind to say, maybe spit it out the car window in a toll plaza. I saw this sticker after going through a frustrating exit from the parking lot by my building on campus. They redesigned said parking lot this summer, and I'm very unhappy about it. It is now composed of mostly diagonal parking spaces, which is fine and allows for more parking spaces, but at what cost? At what cost?! There is now one more exit, but that exit is placed in such a way that I would be truly shocked if an accident didn't occur by the end of the month. And, to have an effective parking lot, there needs to be some semblance of a logical brain inside the heads of the drivers who use it. You cannot wait in the middle of an aisle for a parking space that will be available eventually. If you do not see a car with reverse lights on, you cannot sit there waiting blocking the regular flow of traffic. If you have pulled past a spot that will now be vacant, you cannot back up when there are cars behind you to pull into that spot. Once your car is far enough from a spot that you have to put it in reverse, you have forfeited all rights to that space. !!!!!! Alright, time for a shower. I have much more to write about, but I am also very dirty. And you know what that means.

Get Him Back

2006-09-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

Adaptation
they told me I should give
it to them to publish---
sign the dotted line,
crossed t's and x's and all,
a year's worth of a blog.

"wouldn't that be uninteresting?
shouldn't there be something
added when moving media?"

they assured me everything
would be well and that I'd
even see a profit, the next
big thing, everyone will be
doing it - blogs on books

"don't you want to be successful?
can't you come live in the real
world with the rest of the adults?"

they ignored my reservations,
and I couldn't keep the appointments
I made with my reason and
better judgment, I went along
not knowing where I was going

"I suppose this could be worthwhile
the journey I mean, not the place we get to
I'll probably sleep when we get there"

they kept assuring me, even when
the newspapers hit the stands and
I wasn't even mentioned that day,
or the next, or the next, or the next,
not even a footnote in the histories

"we did what we could - you never
know when they'll bite and when they won't,
better luck next time, kid."

I liked how this turned out last night, but it could've been the influence of my sleep-deprived state and having just read a bit of Only Revolutions.

Something In You

2006-09-12T09:25:00.000-07:00

Hmm...much to blog about. Benefit for 826 in Chicago, eccentricities of the state of Michigan, upcoming MZD reading in Chicago, birthday presents, musings on unconditional love, thoughts on grad school and Freudian psychology, going to Bloomington...I broke down and listened to "Summersong" from The Decemberists' yet-to-be-released album. I was going to wait until October 3rd and listen to the album as a whole, all at once. But, my infatuation with fantastic music and Colin Meloy got the better of me and now I can't stop listening to it. It is very spectacular and I can't wait for two days before both Colin and his girlfriend Carson Ellis' birthday (I'm really not a stalker). I did buy a version of the Crane Wife, the Japanese folk tale some of the songs on the album (also named the Crane Wife) are written from. It's a very interesting story and the particular book I have has absolutely gorgeous illustrations. Speaking of good music, I currently recommend "Something In You" by the Orange Peels. Oh, I now have my "media center" all hooked up and running on my computer, which means I can record TV on my computer now, among other things. This is excellent since once again the TV season consists of nights where two shows that I watch are on at the same time and of course on nights that I have class.

Let's see...last weekend I went to Springfield to celebrate my Dad's birthday (Sunday) and my birthday (this Saturday--drinking at Fatty's everyone!). It was a good weekend with no heated arguments (really surprisingly). I made a DVD from home movies which I've titled "Tiny Jill 1985." I received some good gifts, specifically the 8th season of the Simpsons and the 2nd season of House. I just need the 5th season of the Simpsons and the 1st season of House for my not-so-ridiclously-circuitous plan to be complete. That is, the plan of having all the DVDs that have been released for those two TV shows.

Short on the unconditional love, because I need to start being productive today. I've always been attracted to the idea of such a love, perhaps since I've always felt that I was subject to particularly conditional love. It's an interesting concept, for sure, though it puzzles me a bit. I'm reminded of the lyrics to an Alanis Morissette song about the subject (which she tends to write about quite a bit), "That I would be loved even when I'm not myself." But if you are loved for who you are, and I think we can all agree that that is a legitimate reason to love someone, doesn't that become a bit meaningless if you still love that person when they're not themselves? If everything that was them and that you loved suddenly irrevocably changed, wouldn't it do more justice to the original love if it ceased after this alteration? Or something like that. But then I'm reminded of another quotation: "How am I not myself?"

Something to ponder. More later.

The Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth

2006-09-03T18:46:00.000-07:00

If memory serves, I opined that I wouldn't mind (and perhaps would like) to be a housewife-sort-of-person in some journal of the online variety. I stand by this assertion, though perhaps the proper categorization would be working-at-home. I'm thinking about this now since the past couple of days in my life have gone something like this: wake up late (thus avoiding a bit of a hangover in one case--beautiful), get around to showering whenever I feel like it, read, watch TV/movies/TV on DVD, write, listen to music, go out and buy stuff I need whever I feel like it, comment on student papers, etc. It's been a nice couple of days, though I can think of at least one thing missing from these last couple of days (namely sex...oh yeah, and the person's company as well). Anyway, I'm especially thinking of this now since I'm cooking (rigatoni-I found out I was out of penne with chicken, mushrooms, and cashews all in pesto) and blogging, listening to songs I've downloaded, and drinking V8 while cooking. I like the leisurely pace of this. And I like cooking (though I prefer to cook for more people than simply moi) and other more conventional kind of chores, though I prefer to do them in a less conventional way. So, I don't think that I'd mind if this was how I lived, for at least some part of my future. Or maybe I could teach a really light load. I don't know, something, I'm just rambling.

I am at the brink of making an important decision, though. Well, I look at it as important, though I'm sure I'll be in the minority. I think I'm going to start writing in my books, at least the ones I'm reading for school. I have always belonged to the school of thought that the books you read should stay in near-immaculate condition. So, I have never really marked up by books in any way. Maybe the occasional underlining of a quote (in pencil) or folding corners of pages to indicate important passages, but nothing else. But, I think I will now feel free to write all sorts of crap in the margins, underlining, etc. I'm hoping it will make me more scholarly. We'll see how it works. Anyway, time to eat.

Parliament Square

2006-09-03T16:37:00.000-07:00

So it's been a little while since I posted, and there's much to write about, but I think I just want to accomplish two things in this particular post. First, I finally got around to finishing up a CD for my friend John, and I'm pretty proud of it. So, the track listing:

Jump Up and Down!
1. A Million Ways by Ok Go
2. The Lady from Riems by Reclinerland featuring Colin Meloy
3. Give Me Just a Little More Time by Chairman of the Board
4. Keep It Comin' Love by KC and the Sunshine Band
5. Question by Old 97's
6. (This Is) the Dream of Evan and Chan by Dntel featuring Ben Gibbard
7. Baby's On Fire by Venus in Furs
8. Retour a Vega by the Stills
9. Ugly Girl by Fleming and John
10. Children Go Where I Send You by Nina Simone
11. What Goes On by Sufjan Stevens
12. They by Jem
13. Thriller by Ben Gibbard
14. Human Behavior by the Decemberists
15. Nowhere Again by the Secret Machines
16. Dakota by Stereophonics
17. Empire State by All-Time Quarterback
18. Here It Goes Again by Ok Go
19. Juicebox by the Strokes
20. Stagger Lee by Lloyd Price
21. Song for Jedi by Dionysos
22. Once Around the Block by Badly Drawn Boy

I also made a compilation of the Decemberists for my Shakespeare and His Rivals seminar professor. This promises to be a good class, and I need to read The Taming of the Shrew at some point after I post this. The other thing: I just wrote a prosey-kind-of-poem that I'm not sure about, but I figured I'd post it in the excitement of just writing something. As always, feedback is welcome and appreciated.

In the Winter
as the smoke hangs off
the end of cigarettes
and the streets are
comparable to your
sophomore-year girlfriend,
frigid and empty,
you spend the hours
in a falsely-lit cafe
reading, but not escaping,
ever-present in your current
surroundings, your eyes
only following the words,
your hands blankly
turning pages.
The book is just an excuse
to feel literary while coffee
sits at your table,
to eavesdrop on the couple
occupying the more comfortable chairs.
"Did you know that the days
are continually getting logner?"
But what do they know?
You've seen that exhibit
at the planetarium too.
And your brain wanders away,
down the pier where that
space museum sits, jumping off,
out in the freezing water,
down to the bottom of the lake.
The light disappears as you look
to the surface, people pass by
and look down, but
no one comes in,
it's too cold outside to
practice lifeguarding.
A little girl waves, and
you return the gesture,
minus four fingers.
Someday things will work
out in your daydreams, you think
and it's so sweet.
The scent of patchouli
brings you back inside to
the wooden chairs and tables
(all but the two the
lovers are presently taking
away from everyone else)
and back to the book you're not reading
and never will.
One of these days you'll actually
read books, you think
and it's so easy to lie.

Faded From the Winter

2006-08-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Let's picture the rest of the day going very well: I get home from work with a finished draft of my syllabus, call Dell and my phone actually works well in my apartment and the Dell person is very nice and helps me to fix my computer right away. Whatever is wrong with the big toe on my left foot fixes itself and I can go to the gym and feel better about myself. I drive to the city and use my VIP ticket, which I will pick up at will call with absolutely no problems, to go in and have a lengthy discussion with Ben Gibbard which results in us swapping phone numbers/e-mail addresses and we stay in close contact and he offers me a really cool job for after I graduate, and I meet all sorts of cool people through this friendship (including Colin Meloy!!!!). So, here's hoping.

I just wrote this poem/song and maybe I like it, but then again maybe I don't. I don't think I have a title yet.

that one time you gave me
an upside down umbrella
and I've been collecting
rain ever since.
I reach my hand in, so
I can always feel a pulse
and my hand's been a
shriveled prune for days now.
you take off my glasses
when you're in the driver's seat
and I'm left trying to
distinguish between all the distortions
coming through the window.

I'll read up on everything
you've ever done and
never feel better.
I'll ignore your presence
and not run very far
I'm pulled back by your tether.

You'll then leave me behind
the wheel, the speed always
increasing, though it's true
the airbag has never failed.
I try to be a boyscout, always
prepared and end up tying a
string of knots with hands
that won't stay idle.
all the time now I'm keeping
an eye onthe clouds, noting
any changes in color and shape
but I still venture out
whenever it starts to pour.

And then I suppose repeat the little chorus part if it's a song.

Bloody Ibiza

2006-08-23T07:54:00.000-07:00

In talking to a guy from Britain on-line yesterday, I picked up some more British slang. Turns out, those fuckers can be mean. A new word to add to my global lexicon: chav, which means a variety of things, and inspired an interesting site. Though not as interesting as this one. And here I was thinking that Britons were all tea-slurping, semi-enlightened, non-Bush-voting people who had to deal with problems like having soccer as a national sport and eating terrible food. America was starting to look pretty good at this point. I mean we hate people, but our slang dictionaries don't advocate slaughtering a group of people. Then I read this. In unrelated news, I visited a porn site that had 110 categories! So, the world and the internet are filled with hate, but at least you can also get a bunch of porn filled with lots and lots of lovin'.

"I'm back baby!"

2006-08-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

I've discovered that two weeks in a car with your mom is a very long time. And I never imagined saying this (or writing this), but it's good to be back in Dekalb. For a long time now, probably since I was in college, but maybe earlier than that still, there has been some part of my life, era, if you will, that I've felt distanced from. All the pieces, whether determined by my age, geographical location, friendships, etc. haven't all coalesced into one big ball of me in quite some time. I'd look back and at least one of these pieces didn't fit and didn't feel like it was truly a part of my identity, myself. I mention this because on Saturday, in the early evening, I was riding in the car, looking out the window, listening to Transatlanticism when we crossed the state line in a triumphant return to Illinois and all the pieces came together. It was the first time that everything in my life felt like my life in several years, and it was pretty spectacular. I also thought how glad I am to have been born and bred in various places in Illinois, especially after driving through a bunch of crazy states on a not-entirely-voluntary trip.

Some highlights from the voyage (in no particular order other than when I think of them):
1) I met Ben Gibbard!!!!!!!! I will write of this further when I will hopefully have prolonged conversation with him at the Revenge of the Bookeaters this Thursday.
2) I saw Death Cab for Cutie at the Greek Theatre at Berkeley, along with Mates of State and Spoon!!!!
3) I discovered that both Mountain and Pacific time zones follow Eastern time for most television programming (something I have always wondered about).
4) I can now say I've been to San Francisco and to City Lights bookstore.
5) I visited Hyde Street Pier and paid 25 cents to light a little white candle (see "Grace Cathedral Hill" by the Decemberists.
6) I saw Little Miss Sunshine.
7) I saw a horse's penis.
8) I drove by the studio in Sausalito where Fleetwood Mac recorded Rumours.
9) I visited John Steinbeck's hometown, Salinas.
10) I visited Sundance's hometown, Park City.
11) I learned many interesting things at the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum.
12) I wrote a poem.*

Highlights of being back inDekalb:
1) Seeing friends and my fella at the Annex.
2) Eating Portillo's.
3) Having I-haven't-done-anything-remotely-sexual-in-two-weeks sex.

It's good to be home.

*We Ride the Clouds

With handfuls each of
Montana and Washington
you're looking out to
the horizon for a mushroom cloud,
confusedly asking me
about a man called Grimes.
I reply: I can't tell you
when it's happy hour in Bangkok;
I'll always let you know the
whereverweare time.
the thought spoken aloud,
the rest jostling around
up there to be put to
paper for you:
I should be having sex right now.
I need to read more Thompson.
I have only enough money to
be a partial completist.
I think it's too early to say
certain words, but I kind of want to
and am not sure if that makes
me feel worried or wonderful.

with an unrecognized quote
and an unfinished hangman,
I had a little hope, a possible drizzle
ending two years of draught
(after three months of raindancing).
If only the gods had responded earlier,
you think; we would've had more time
and I wonder if it's a meritless concern,
if we'll have time enough.
In dreams, in night and day,
I don't stray, pass up offers
wished for so intensely and
I think that you have made
the bitter of bittersweet
retreat to the dusty corners of
the attic on my shoulders.
the thoughts not yet uttered
but repeated in this echo chamber:
I want you here.
This place would shine bright in my view
if only you were in the vicinity.

With thoughts twirling and feet stumbling,
I am attempting to fit the pieces together
even though I've lost the top of the box
with the picture. And maybe the thought
comes that I'm doing this blind
but you'll be guiding my hand
and it's put to paper, but quickly targeted
as overdone. I realize it's always been
a gut feeling and my ruminations,
spoken aloud or not, today, tomorrow, or never,
written in a vaguely cryptic manner,
will never all reach you the traffic's bad
from synapse to synapse to mouth.
Instead I'll kiss you and tell you
how you remind me of those
two that are at the top, you
know the ones I mean.

Yellow Butterfly

2006-08-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

An album refers to a collection of songs, not a medium!!!!!! Aaarrrgghhh!! I forgot about this one when listing my pet peeves, but this is a big one for me. I absolutely hate it when people lament the death of an album (and they're actually talking about records rather than the state of music today). An album can be on a record, or an 8-track, or a cassette, or a CD, etc. Albums have been around for quite some time, are around today, and will continue to be around in the future (unless you listen to the doomsayers who predict that mp3s will effectively kill the music industry as we know it today, and c'mon those people are just bored and wishing to predict disaster). The term album is not a synonym for record or vinyl. There are very many baby boomers who cannot make this distinction, who pretend to know what they're talking about when it comes to the '60s and that era's music, and yet cannot tell the difference between common terms used to describe collections of music. I used to think that I was born in the wrong generation, I should've lived through that era, etc. Then I realized that it would basically be the same as living in this generation except with a better soundtrack. Some people like to refer to me as a hippie. I am not. Because, my god, most hippies were absolutely fucking idiots. Okay, enough ranting. And not that this has to do with anything, really, but a very good Simpsons quote that has been going around in my head while writing: "It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation Xers." "We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little." So maybe W was just catching up on his Simpsons.

Country House

2006-08-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

I went to the bookstore today to write down the books I'll need to look up online for better prices. And I checked to see if the book I ordered for my students was in. It was, and the little tag underneath had my name under the Professor space! I thought it was pretty cool. It'll cost them $52.65. Sorry students. I really need to get around to making a syllabus for my classes so that I can make that book worth the fifty bucks. As per a conversation last night, I've been thinking about the little things that make me happy (it really doesn't take much at all), and I've decided to compile a short list of the things I can think of right now that make me grin, and most likely cause me to jump up and down a bit.

Things that make Jill happy:
1. Discovering the identity of a good song
2. Great America (okay, not so little a thing, but it does make me ridiculously happy)
3. Free samples
4. Waving to people, especially when they wave back
5. Coming home at 5am, turning on the TV, and Bosom Buddies is on.
6. Leaves walking with me
7. When the count for the number of great songs featured in the preview for Little Miss Sunshine reaches 3 (!)
8. The preview for Little Miss Sunshine

Earth Angel

2006-07-31T13:29:00.000-07:00

I drove my friend Angela's car a bit last night. It's been quite some time since I've driven an automatic, and it was quite interesting to do so. Getting out of the parking lot, I kept braking, having to remind my foot that it doesn't need to do anything. The ride was smoother after that, but I kept wanting to shift very badly. I think that when it comes time for me to buy a car, whenever I actually have money, so probably not for a good amount of time, I will purchase a car with manual transmission. Automatic is boring. A gentleman that works downstairs is celebrating his retirement today. I was told there was ice cream. I went there, signed the book, got some ice cream, and headed for the door. I'm classy like that. In all fairness, I was told by a number of people that I should go over there and that there was delicious ice cream. I found this to be true. They had pre-scooped vanilla, strawberry, chocolate, and I think the last was pralines n' cream. Vanilla, with hot fudge and caramel and a bit of whipped cream. I have to start planning/packing for the trip to California this week. I read in an interview with Ben Gibbard that there is a restaurant in San Francisco which he frequents everytime he is in the area. So I need to determine if this restaurant still exists and where it is so that I can go there and meet him and he'll immediately fall madly in love with me, but I'll say "No, I can't be with you, but we'll be great friends." And we will be and then he'll give me a job where I'll start out as just doing odd jobs for him and the members of the band, but soon I will move up and will eventually direct music videos for them and learn how to produce a record and it will be how I break into the industry. So here's hoping that I go to that restaurant and that he is there. Anyone have any other suggestions for San Francisco spots not to miss?

Everyday Is Like Sunday

2006-07-31T01:04:00.000-07:00

Man, I wish I was photogenic. Oh well, another one of those things that would be nice, but probably isn't all that important in the grand scheme of things. I went and saw The Devil Wears Prada tonight and then went to the bar and became surprisingly drunk from relatively little alcohol. I'm well aware of the double standards that exist in our society, but I often don't think too much about them or am not really bothered by them. But, in watching this movie I was reminded of one in particular that I don't like, particularly because it has directly to do with me as of late. The whole thing with guys hitting on girls with boyfriends being seen as suave and charming and of course she should date this guy because look at how suave and charming he is. And then if a girl hits on a guy with a girlfriend, she is a compete harlot, whore, slut, every name under the sun you can think of, and should no longer be a card-carrying member of the human race. C'mon, this is such bullshit and horribly horribly unfair and fuck it. Another serious thought running through my head in the movie (which was alright, especially as a movie seen at the cheap theater, but one that I don't have any particular yen to see again) has to do with a decision I made what, about four years ago now. I'd been moving closer and closer to living in the real world among actual people, especially since getting to college, but very much especially since I started dating huge douchebag. It was during this particular time that I consciously made the decision that I would in fact join the world of everyone else and try to be with and be close to actual people rather than people I interacted with solely through pages, speakers, screens, etc. And when I fell in love with him (aww....) this became very evident. Since then I've watched films that dealth with being with someone and felt more empathetic with the characters as I now finally had some experience to back up connecting emotionally with them. I had always been able to empathize with characters, but I began doing it with a much greater understanding. When I was dumped for the final time, this was very much evident as well. Now, whenever there's a break-up scene in a movie, I'm acutely aware of the pain of the situation. I had always felt bad, but now I feel exactly as I felt when it happened to me, with all the intensity of emotion. And it makes me wonder if I made the right decision when I chose to live in the real world (though I know I did). But anyway, enough blathering on, I should probably get to sleep. That's where I'm a viking!

Times Like These

2006-07-30T13:33:00.000-07:00

I was about to meet Dan Castellaneta in my dream last night when I awoke to my mom calling me. She then proceeded to call me about once to twice an hour for three to four hours before I began ignoring the call. Fucking Christ. Little Miss Sunshine is now in New York and L.A., but won't be in Chicago until August 4th, a day which I'm told will have me in Joliet packing and getting ready for the big road trip. So it looks like I won't be able to see it for a while and when I do see it I'm sure it will cost less money, but oh, I want to see it right away! I just watched the video for Title and Registration again. It's not at all like the video I pictured in my head when first listening to the song (I will direct music videos someday), but it's still very fantastic and features Ben Gibbard looking particularly wonderful I think. I also watched a video on a friend's former students' blog which was pretty well-done and amusing. I mention it here since one part featured a guy eating a bowl of Tic Tacs, which, when in mass and collected in a bowl look like a bunch of pills and I was reminded that the sight and/or thought of such things now make me feel nauseous. This is especially noteworthy since I've never really had a physical reaction to the thought and/or sight of anything in my life. I almost couldn't watch that part of the video and that is the first time I've ever said (or written) anything like that. Hopefully this isn't a permanent effect since I don't like feeling nauseous or not being able to watch something. Anyway, I recently listened to Sufjan Stevens' cover of What Goes On, and I must say that I kinda like it. I think it will go on my very short list of acceptable Beatles covers. Alright, more reporting on the exciting news of Jill-town later.

The Predatory Wasp Of The Palisades Is Out To Get Us!

2006-07-20T10:27:00.000-07:00

So I'm leaving for California on August 5th and I just realized 'Holy crap, that's pretty soon!' I also just found out that I won't be allowed to drive over 70mph for the whole trip. This whole thing will be ever-so-much fun. I'll just have to keep repeating to myself "I'll be in the same room as Ben Gibbard." And I was thinking the other day that I've been in the same room as three members of my harem so far! Anyways, I've been inspired today to list three of my pet peeves.
3 Pet Peeves:

1) Drivers of vehicles yielding to me when I'm crossing the street. Listen people, it's much easier and makes so much more sense for people to navigate around cars rather than cars navigating around people. I'm planning my movements based on the fact that you and your speed will remain constant, when you do not (however good the intention may be), everything is fucked. Whoever came up with the whole pedestrians-have-the-right-of-way thing should be dug up and shot, and then run over for good measure.

2) People who keep their hand on the door as they're entering a building even though I'm holding the door for them. You don't need to touch the door, I'm holding it for you, that's the whole point. There are two levels of this though, the people who do this but say thank you are much better than the fucksticks who do this and don't acknowledge the gesture in any way whatsoever.

3) Large groups of students and their parents touring campus who take up the whole sidewalk and refuse to budge even an inch to let me by, especially when I'm going the opposite direction. I'm also irritated by small groups of people who refuse to move and stay in a cluster rather than going single file to ensure that the sidewalk can serve its purpose of being a two-way route, but I've run into two touring groups today. Why would you not move to allow someone to walk on the sidewalk?! And usually I'll give in and walk on the grass, but no more! I'm going to keep walking and keep my shoulders square, and if I'm not in a good movie, maybe throw an elbow out as well. I really don't like you people, you're fucking ignorant and inconsiderate.

On a happier note, I found some very good poems today (which always makes me happy) while searching for one that Bonnie may want to have read at her wedding. So I will share these now, along with one I wrote:

At the Office Early by Ted Kooser
Rain has beaded the panes
of my office windows,
and in each little lens
the bank at the corner
hangs upside down.
What wonderful music
the rain must have made
in the night, a thousand banks
turned over, the change
crashing out of the drawers
and bouncing upstairs
to the roof, the soft
percussion of ferns
dropping out of their pots,
the ballpoint pens
popping out of their sockets
in a fluffy snow
of deposit slips.
Now all day long,
as the sun dries the glass,
I'll hear the soft piano
of banks righting themselves,
the underpaid tellers
counting their nickels and dimes.

Corners by Stephen Dunn*
I've sought out corner bars, lived in corner houses;
like everyone else I've reserved
corner tables, thinking they'd be sufficient.
I've met at corners
perceived as crossroads, loved to find love
leaning against a lamp post
but have known the abruptness of corners too,
the pivot, the silence.
I've sat in corners at parties hoping for someone
who knew the virtue
of both distance and close quarters, someone with a
corner person's taste
for intimacy, hard won, rising out of shyness
and desire.
And I've turned corners there was no going back to,
corners
in the middle of a room that led
to Spain or solitude.
And always the thin line between corner
and cornered,
the good corners of bodies and those severe bodies
that permit no repose,
the places we retreat to, the places we can't bear
to be found.

The Heart's Location by Peter Meinke
all my plans for suicide are ridiculous
I can never remember the heart's location
too cheap to smash the car
too queasy to slash a wrist
once jumped off a bridge
almost scared myself to death
then spent two foggy weeks
waiting for new glasses

of course I really want to live
continuing my lifelong search
for the world's greatest unknown cheap restaurant
and a poem full of ordinary words
about simple things
in the inconsolable rhythms of the heart

They eat out by Margaret Atwood
In restaurants we argue
over which of us will pay for your funeral

though the real question is
whether or not I will make you immortal.

At the moment only I
can do it and so

I raise the magic fork
over the plate of beef fried rice

and plunge it into your heart.
There is a faint pop, a sizzle

and through your own split head
you rise up glowing;

the ceiling opens
a voice sings Love Is A Many

Splendoured Thing
you hang suspended above the city

in blue tights and a red cape,
your eyes flashing in unison.

The other diners regard you
some with awe, some only with boredom;

they cannot decide if you are a new weapon
or only a new advertisement.

As for me, I continue eating;
I liked you better the way you were,
but you were always ambitious.

A Day In the Sun
Laughing like a couple of kids
who just bought a well for a village,
walking into the sunset like the heroes
of a mining town, when those streets
were dangerous to walk.
Carried off like a damsel in distress
after the fire-breathing dragon is slain.
These are what we witness, gathered here
with promise of a plate and a dance.
Oh, we'll be in the presence of a love
so deep that even the most experienced
swimmer will drown, not wave
and we'll glow by the soft light
of a radiant bride, all in white.
But we won't all have our own wedding
night, pretending to be nervous,
like they used to do it.
None of us will be carried across
the threshold to start a new life,
similar to the old, except now it's official,
sealed with rings and a kiss.
We'll be only the bystanders, well-wishers
and you'll be the happy couple,
arms and everything linked
like hypertext on a website which proclaims:
'We have neither pride nor prejudice,
we have happiness.'

*Further comments on this poem and corners in a future post

I'm Still Your Fag

2006-07-17T23:40:00.000-07:00

Hey, at least I can cry again, and that's a good thing. Oh, my ego needs boosting constantly; it's a very needy entity. But I did just write this, which I think may be at least decent, but we will see how it holds up under further examination. I'm not quite sure about the title.

HD Perspective
riding away at the most absurd speeds,
but I never felt unsafe, you told me
everything would be alright and I believed.
walking into the night when the danger was
stirring, but I just needed to hold your hand.
I never knew about the underbelly until
we met and I never knew I could hurt
someone so much until we fell apart.
the tentacles kept us together, but they couldn't
reach that far south and I couldn't
reach that far to shore.
they wanted us to be the lighthouse, but I
have further seas to travel. they needed
us to be the buoys, waving to the coast,
and I waved my goodbye.

As always, any and all feedback is very welcome. And let's end this blog on a positive note (I would reference Mel Brooks here, but that gag works only with sound). I've been contemplating lately the degree of attractiveness I hold, and while I understand that on a purely physical level, I'm not anything to write home about (though I have noticed that people I consider less attractive than myself receive much more attention and get hit on so much more than I do, which confounds me a bit), I have a fantastic personality; I'm tons of fun. Well, I have fun--I amuse and entertain myself. I don't know if other people have the same amount of amusement and entertainment around me, but I'm happy and that's the most important thing. [Insert laugh here]. But anyway...someday everything will come together. "It's a shoreline, and it's half speed. It's a cruel world, and it's time."

July, July!

2006-07-17T05:52:00.000-07:00

I'll be working full-time this week and the assistant lady to the boss guy is on vacation, so the task of making boss guy's coffee in the morning has fallen on my shoulders. You'd think after working for over a year at Starbuck's, I would be well-equipped to handle this task. And you'd be wrong. He has a Mr. Coffee and really, I have two-tenths of an idea of how to use the thing. I don't drink coffee and know only what I learned and needed to know to work at a coffee shop about the bevarage and its preparation. I've never actually used a coffee maker thingie in my life, so I'm very nervous this morning about the coffee issue. Eep!
In non-coffee-related news, I told my dad about the whole Ibuprofen incident. It went fairly well, except that I could tell I made him sad, and that's not good. It's dawned on me that I'm very quickly approaching the point where I have no money at all, so I'm a tad worried about that and will step up the not-spending-money (or at least putting everything on my credit card that I possibly can) and trying-to-find-a-second-job efforts. Although working full-time this week should help a tad. But, the best news of all time (or at least of this past weekend) concerns the Decemberists. They have recently signed to Capitol records and will be releasing their fourth full-length album (titled The Crane Wife) on October 3rd (incidentally two days before both Colin Meloy and Carson Ellis' birthday, which I find amusing (in that they have the same birthday)), followed by a US tour!!!! Even better, while no release date is secured, there will be a DVD that includes a live performance, backstage footage, all of their videos, and a video for The Tain!!!!!! I think I came just a little bit after reading about this.

"But it was still me who had all the good ideas."

2006-07-13T12:27:00.000-07:00

V for Vendetta (Spoiler Warning!!)
This is, I suppose, my thesis: Much like all good adaptations, the two works cannot really be compared and contrasted, but rather viewed and analyzed as two separate and distinct entities. That being said, I first started to read the graphic novel around the time the semester was ending and summer was beginning. Having seen the film, reading the book was atop my list of things to do over the break. So, I went to Barnes & Noble, sat in the cafe finding all the other comfy chairs taken, and began reading. I didn't get far before I was disappointed. In the book, Parliament is blown up right away (6 pages in). To me, it worked better as the climax, since it's fucking Parliament (!). I'm guessing that Roger Ebert would also not get far into the book after his beloved architectural masterpiece was eradicated. So, I didn't read much of it before I put it back on the shelf and went home (probably to watch the Simpsons). My second attempt proved more successful and fruitful. And this is where we come to my thesis. There are very many differences from page to screen and while I will comment on some of them, I think it's important to understand that a strict they-left-this-out, they-added-this is pretty pointless. The tone and essence are captured in the film, and the rest is moot. I can't say which version I prefer (though part of me edges toward the film, most likely because I saw it first and thoroughly enjoyed it); they are both pretty incredible, impressive, thought-provoking texts. I have finished reading the text of the graphic novel, though I am still reading an article that follows written by Alan Moore, the writer of the series. So far it is very enlightening and highly entertaining (and I very much recommend), but I also have a fear of losing everything that I've written here so far by a glitch in blogger, so I'm trying to finish this as soon as I can. One thing I noticed, and I'm well aware that this could be just a failing of myself as a reader here, there were times when it was a bit difficult to distinguish which character was in the frame and also how he/she fit into the world represented in the novel. I think it was a bit easier to follow who everyone was and what their characterization was in the film. Also, while the Guy Fawkes theme is heavy in both, it seems to me that the film emphasizes it a tad more, or at least gives further attempt to really draw together the past of England with its present and future. I'm not saying that the novel is incohesive, but the gut feeling I get in thinking about the two (and granted, it's been a little while since I've seen the film and I only saw it once) is that the film has a more cohesive feel to it. I think that I like Evey both as a character and her role in the whole better in the film. There is an interlude in the book featuring a song entitled "This Vicious Cabaret" that is truly inspired and perfect. So, I guess I've lost a bit of steam in my train of thought in analyzing V for Vendetta, both as a film and a graphic novel, but I have to go make another round and deliver a file, so...please comment if you've experience one or both because I think this is a piece of work that merits much discussion.

"Nothing's gonna stand in our way, not tonight..."

2006-07-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

I have found myself coming across several statements today that I felt I could respond to starting out, "After spending three days in a psych ward..." I have not actually responded with this, but I have thought about it. And I think one of the most interesting things about this is that my expectation for people's reactions has not been an uncomfortable silence where they are thinking "Why should I listen to this person who is obviously crazy because she just spent three days in a psych ward?", but more of a hushed reverence where they are thinking "Ah, we must listen to the wisdom she gleaned from "observing" a psych ward for three days." I now feel that when my mom gets on one of her rambling goes-nowhere stories about the men she works with at Caterpillar that while I have never really met any of them, I feel pretty comfortable thinking are at least somewhere in the vicinity of the category of redneck or white trash, or whatever colorful epithet you prefer, I can say, "Yeah, I spend three days with some of those people in a psych ward."

So, anyway, here's the scoop. The whole and real story for anyone who is curious about some part or cluless about all of it (I don't know how many people actually know what happened to me this weekend right now). Saturday night I had a party at my apartment which went swimmingly, up until the point that I went away from all of my guests and laid down in my closet for some reason (and I apologize to all of my guests that I ignored and left to clean up the trappings of the soiree). You see, lately I've noticed that when I have an "episode" of depression, it's different than it used to be. Before I had some event to point to as the catalyst, and whether that event was really what I was sad about or not, at least I could recognize it as a trigger and know why I spiraled downward. As of late, I honestly don't know why I start feeling bad and it tends to come out of nowhere. Like Saturday night. I've also noticed that instead of crying and wallowing in self-pity, I now become angry and frustrated (again I'm not sure the reason behind these emotions) and cut my arm and throw things in my apartment. So, after everyone left my place, I did both of these things, but really trashed my place (hence the last blog). I then hung out with a couple of people that were still at the front of my apartment building, tried making out with a friend of mine (which I've been tending to do a bit, and again, I'm not really sure why other than it is a challenge because he persistently refuses), drove around town a bit, knocked on a friend's door (thereby freaking out his girlfriend I learned later), came back home (all while barefoot and wearing a camisole and pajama pants mind you) and took the rest of the Zoloft I had (three 100mg pills) and four or five handfuls of Ibuprofen. I then went to sleep, woke up some hours later to vomit on the area of my carpet next to my bed, stayed in a half-asleep, half-vomiting, half-snot-infused-sort-of-daze, all while feeling really shitty. My friend called me (I was supposed to attend another friend's bridal shower), I told her I thought I should go to the doctor (so maybe I could feel not shitty), she came over, saw the remainder of the Ibuprofen on my kitchen table, took me outside and called an ambulance. Two police cars, a fire truck, and an ambulance all arrived (the ambulance being the last on the scene), and I was carried off, with an IV in me and all my vitals monitored to the Kishwaukee hospital. I was in the emergency room for a couple of hours while they ran blood tests and gave me a tetanus shot and then I was admitted to the psych ward. As this blog is getting pretty long already and as the totality of my experience in this ward is probably good for a whole other blog or two, I'll cut this story short, and get to my explanation.

My explanation: okay, I can't really give a complete and accurate reason since I'm still not sure what actually caused this chain of events (because, if I do say so myself, it was a pretty kick-ass party at my place, although being really drunk off of Everclear-infused punch most of the evening may have had something to do with it). But I thought about it a bit while sitting around in a confined space and think I have a good grasp on at least a partial reason. I have thought about suicide and had it as one of my options for a long time now, basically as long as I can remember, but especially since I was a freshman in high school (my first absolutely clear memory of thinking about offing myself). I think I needed to come closer to actual suicide than I ever had in the past as a way to finally really deal with those thoughts and what lies behind them. I think I am now revoking my 26 rule. I don't want to say that I experienced one of those I want to live! moments, because I didn't. I knew when taking the pills (the thought of any pills now make me pretty nauseous, and I don't think I'll be purchasing any Ibuprofen for quite some time) that I had a chance of dying, but also knew that the likelihood of that happening was pretty slim (these were basically the cheapest, OTC pills I could find when I bought them and have used three instead of the recommended two whenever I had a headache). So, I didn't have some life-is-great epiphany, but I also am pretty sure that in the future, I will no longer think of killing myself as an option. So, while I may have regrets about this weekend (and feel really bad about my three great, sweethearts of friends cleaning up the huge mess that was my apartment), it looks as though it did produce something worthwhile. Speaking of which, another good, sweetheart of a friend came to visit me and brought me the graphic novel V for Vendetta, which I am almost finished with. I may have to wait until tomorrow to write a post about it, though, since I have actually been pretty busy making deliveries and such at work today. Oh, one more thing, it seems my flower precedes me. I have had several indications of this in the past, and another one today. I went to a professor's office seeking his signature, and the first thing he said to me was, "Oh, I recognize you because of the flower. What's your name?"

Here Come Loose the Hounds

2006-07-09T02:26:00.000-07:00

I'm officially a rock star. Woot.

We Looked Like Giants

2006-07-08T00:43:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should be surprised at how quickly I can pass from mood to mood, but I'm really not. And lately, as in the past six months or so, I really have no control over my emotions whether they're good or bad. And I've noticed for a long time that I have no control over the bad ones, but lately I have nothing over the good ones either. I'll walk down the street fucking giddy and laughing and I don't even know why. "I don't know about you, but I swear on my name they can smell it on me, and I've never been too good with secrets" This is one thing that I think happened earlier tonight, though I could be wrong. The girlfriend of the guy I'm fixated on came into the bar after I'd been there for a while. She passed me, we made eye contact, I smiled politely. I got caught up in another conversation. Then, one guy that I was talking to me, who I had told the situation to, tells me that this girl kept giving him the eye and smiling, as if she thought I was with him and wanted to make me jealous. Now, I don't know if this is what actually happened, but if it is...it amuses me endlessly. Too bad I didn't end up in a good mood to enjoy it. Instead I'm in more or less a very confused state. Since I just dropped this guy off. The last time I did this, he made out with me (I didn't know how to not respond) and I ended up in trouble since I was inadvertently making out with one of my friend's boyfriends. So, now he is no one's boyfriend, and I found myself in the same situation. And instead of just explaining that I didn't want to make out with him, I found myself once again doing nothing and just kind of going along with it. I don't know why I do the things I do. Hopefully, some day I'll at least figure part of it out. Oh, Ben Gibbard, when will you be mine? Oh, Jill, when will you learn?

Brass In Pocket

2006-07-07T01:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, so a couple things I've been thinking about today. And I might say realized, but I know I haven't, but I've been thinking about these things quite a bit and especially today. And the song in the title I've heard twice and think especially meaningful. But, to get one thing out of the way...au jus is really fucking good. And Molly's barbeque sauce is good as well, but not like anything special good, just pretty good. Anyway, I've been pretty fixated with one person lately, and I fully realize that I don't have much chance with this person, but that hasn't stopped me from trying. And I'll say one thing that I especially thought of driving home this evening. While I may get discouraged from the lack of hope of me actually dating (or at least having sex with) this person, it's so much much more depressing to think of not having someone in mind. And for a long time I didn't, but now that I do, it's so much more sad to think of not liking this person, even if this person is oh-so-happily involved with someone else. At least I have a goal, and as long as I have that, at least I have something. And while I once had a keen finger on the other thing I was thinking about, perhaps I don't. It's probably something I've rehashed time and time again. So, to sum up, Molly's beef rolls are very good, with both au jus and barbecue sauce, and my eternal thanks to Chris for bringing me that today (I'll make it up by bringing you some of the best spaghetti sauce ever soon), and I wish I could not feel guilty about things, but very certain things in particular, and while I have ever so many great qualities, I don't have the quality of having someone that I want to have. In the wise words of Fiona Apple, "oh well".

"This is the end of the road Galvatron!"

2006-07-06T11:22:00.000-07:00

It looks as though me and the high school kid that also works in this office are having a desktop background and theme war. Yesterday I left a wonderful picture of the Decemberists up and had the standard Windows XP theme and mouse pointer. Today I come in and there's a jungle scene featuring a panther as the background and some crazy, annoying look-at-how-cool-this-font is theme and annoying neon, some-guy-swinging-on-a-vine-or-else-a-snake to replace the pointer and hourglass. So I retialated with standard theme and pointer and this picture as the background. It also commemorates my dream from last night. I was in prison, only it was very lax on the rules and such. More like a boarding school than a prison, especially since it included inmates that didn't seem to have a reason for being incarcerated. And it was co-ed. So I get there and they give me my prison uniform, only it looks more like scrubs and I have some of my own clothes as well. There's this big bald guy that keeps giving me shit and we're all going to the cafeteria when a fight breaks out between the two of us. I beat the crap out of him and this gets me awe and respect in the inmate community since this was the big bully guy that no one messed with. So I go and eat my lunch with an assortment of people I knew as a kid, people I know now, people I've never seen before in my life. And George Clooney is there, and I talk with him a bit and talk to other people about how I beat the shit out of this guy, and then he comes over and we decide to call a truce and everything's gravy. Then, lunch is almost over and I see that Ben Gibbard (and the rest of Death Cab for Cutie) are at another table next to Colin Meloy (who later kind of disappears). So I talk to Ben Gibbard and he doesn't believe that big bully guy will not retaliate, and mostly it's just me flirting with Ben Gibbard, and that was pretty much the end. Oh, it was so nice. So I'm going to stay there for the next couple of days or as long as that can carry me. Romantic sigh.
Last night I watched Transformers the Movie. And first of all, it's great. Completely holds up, though I guess that could also be since I watch it fairly often and it's maybe been two years since I've seen it last. But one thing I noticed this time that made me feel kind of sad, or I guess a bit old, was that at the beginning the narrator is explaining the situation and the war between the Autobots and the Decepticons over Cybertron and he says that the year is 2005. Wow.

"...we don't stand a chance..."

2006-07-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

I just set this picture of the Decemberists as the background on the computer I use at work. I'm pretty excited about it. See? It doesn't take much to make me happy. Staying that way on the other hand...
Speaking of, my recent posts and more recent deletion of said "angsty" posts have caused quite a stir on the comment wall, and by quite a stir I mean two comments have mentioned this. I thought it best to erase the record of me yelling at and feeling sorry for myself (at the same time, that's how talented I am), since a) it does smack of teenage yuppie angst, and b) it doesn't make for interesting reading (not that any of my posts do, but this one has a really good picture!). Okay, in talking to a good friend of mine, I've decided that after I get my degree, I'm moving to Bloomington/Normal, getting a decent-paying job, learning how to play piano and guitar and starting a band with a group of my friends called Stitch This, Jimmy. Let's see, what else? Dekalb puts on good fireworks and has strange people residing within its borders who marry their sister and collect kernels of corn in their beard. House is a damn fine show. I am ever closer to finishing part one of my CD project. I'm hosting my first party ever at my apartment this Saturday. We still need to finalize plans for a Great America trip. And I'm going to see Little Miss Sunshine on July 26th (which happens to be Kevin Spacey's birthday).

Elvis Presley Blues

2006-06-30T21:20:00.000-07:00

This is addictive, and I really enjoy reading all the comments. It's things like this, along with my affinity for audio commentaries and tests, etc., that make me a nerd and talk about things that no one cares about. Speaking of talking, the past two nights have been extraordinarily fun for me. I was pretty intoxicated for both, spent time with good groups of people, and was highly amused and entertained for the entirety of both. But, to bring in the talking part, there are a lot of instances where I become a talkative drunk, but man alive! have I been a really talkative drunk as of late. So if you're out with me and this happens and I'm blathering on, just tell me to can it.

I finished Let It Be by Colin Meloy today and am now very sad that it's done. I really liked reading it, first because of my obsession with Colin Meloy, but for other reasons as well. It is a collection of memories from his formative years with music, specifically the album Let It Be by the Replacements. When I first read about this book (it is in the 33 1/3 series, which includes other musicians writing about other albums), I assumed it would consist mostly of review-type of material, i.e. this is what happens in this track and this is why it is so great and/or important, listen to this guitar solo and let me recount the technical aspects of it that makes it so kick-ass, etc. Really, it is a sort-of memoir of this specific period of his youth, which was spent with the Replacements and other bands used as the soundtrack. It was also interesting to read in that it brought in elements and reminded me of two other books I've recently read, Liars and Saints by Maile Meloy (Colin's sister) and Killing Yourself to Live by Chuck Klosterman. LandS is a novel and it is very interesting to trace the inspiration (seemingly) behind some aspects of the book with the author's childhood. Killing Yourself to Live chronicles Klosterman's trip to sites of musicians' deaths around the country, but it mostly the writer musing on the music and women in his life. I will try to start another book either tonight or tomorrow, but I will continue to mourn the loss of Colin Meloy's narrative.

Roy Walker

2006-06-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I started taking Zoloft. I haven't noticed any difference yet, but here's the thing: what am I supposed to notice exactly? I'm not sure I understand how it's going to work, and by it I'm referring to living without depression/obsessive compulsive disorder. What will it be like exactly? This notion of living "normally" doesn't really make sense to me. I have noticed that for awhile now, whenever I have an "episode", I feel increasingly detached from it. It used to be that whenever I was down, I couldn't really picture being up, but if I was up, I could always picture being down. Now, I still can't do up when I'm down, but I also can't really remember what it's truly like being down when I'm up. This morning I woke up and it took me a minute to even remember that I was down at the very end of last night. I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. I do know that this is just me rambling, so I'll stop and continue reading Let It Be by Colin Meloy and imagine the day when I'll call him my good friend and maybe we'll have a book club or I'll come over to his house and he'll try out new songs for me or we'll just hang out watching Bosom Buddies and music videos, and we'll both know that if the world was more fair and I was a bit older (or he a bit younger) and we had met years before that day, everything would be right in the world. [insert tee hee here].

If You're Feeling Sinister

2006-06-27T12:33:00.000-07:00

I watched this video about ghosts last night and proceeded to freak myself out a bit. It doesn't take much to make me scared, and once I am, every frightening thing that I've ever seen, heard about, or imagined runs through my head and doesn't stop (I have little to no control over what goes on up there). One summer I was living with my mom and slept in the basement every night since the most comfortable bed was down there and also since my mom pretty much refuses to use air conditioning unless a warning for heat stroke has been broadcast. This was while I was still dating huge douchebag, and we would call each other pretty much every night since he lived in the next state over. So I would end up kind of scared right before going to sleep since I was in the basement, which while it is a completely finished basement is still kind of eerie, dark, and makes noises. One particular night there had been a South Park Halloween marathon on Comedy Central. This is how much of a pussy I am. Halloween South Park episodes scared me. And I never learn, because I still watch scary movies and listen to ghost stories and everything. It's kind of like being at Great America when I'll be very excited to go on some rides, then, right when the big drop is coming I end up saying, "Oh shit, this wasn't a good idea." The only difference is that Oh shit moment lasts for a couple nanoseconds, whereas being scared from a movie lasts hours. The summer that I was living with huge douchebag provides a good illustration. I had never seen Candyman. When he learned this fact, he insisted that we watch the film that night. I insisted that we shouldn't since it was already night and I prefer to watch these types of movies during the day, so at least there's a buffering zone of daylight. But we watched it in his room, and really it's not that frightening a film, but as I said before, I've been scared by South Park. The worst part was that immediately after the movie ended, I really had to pee. The bathroom in his university-run-kind-of-like-a-townhouse-apartment looks almost exactly like the bathrooms in Cabrini-Green as portrayed in the movie. I've never wanted to pee so fast in my life. When I got over this hurdle, I told huge douchebag, "Look, you made me watch this movie, you should stay up with me so that I'm not scared." He fell asleep pretty much immediately and I stayed up for another couple of hours trying to convince myself that the noises I was hearing were not sinister. I don't like being scared. And you know the funniest/sickest thing? I want to watch that ghost video again.

Gay Pride and Terrible '80s Songs

2006-06-26T10:07:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to Heart's "All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You" and I'm thinking 'Wow, this takes me back to being a kid living in Oak Lawn with 100.3 or some other adult contemporary rock station playing through the house', which is a fairly pleasant thought, but then I started actually listening to the song and especially the lyrics. This is a truly horrible song. Oh, Heart, Dreamboat Annie is such a good album! What happened?! Sigh.

In better news, I walked in the Gay Pride Parade this weekend in Chicago, which was a lot of fun. I walked as a former employee of Starbucks. Our float was near the very end of the parade, though, so it began as a lot of standing around in the rain (which later cleared up and it was quite a nice day). My friends and I walked up and down Halsted a bit after growing bored with the waiting and collected much free stuff, including beads (one of which I earned), pins (one of which was a 'Kiss Me I'm Irish' button that lit up), and stickers (one of which was a 'Kiss Me Here' sticker that I promptly placed on my right breast. Sadly I received only one kiss all day, which was a pity kiss from a lesbian after another lesbian kissed my friend's sticker--on her right breast. Really, these kissing pins and stickers should be enforced more), etc. When we finally started walking in the parade, we had little packets of free coffee to give away. This soon proved to be both a blessing and a curse. The blessing was that almost everyone loved us and were cheering us loudly. The curse was that they also pretty much mobbed us. You'd think we were giving out crack. People are fucking insane; some grabbed it out of our hands, yelled at us if they didn't get any, flashed for coffee, et al. All in all, it was a fun weekend (except for a bit on Saturday night when I ended up in a parking lot somewhere in the vicinity of Diversey and Clark, which we won't discuss) and a very interesting experience. And I've learned even more now than I knew before that people go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs...and coffee.

Ma Vie En Rose

2006-06-21T12:45:00.000-07:00

Okay, anyone who wants to be my best friend and make me smile widely until my jaw is sore: there's a book by Mark Z. Danielewski called The Fifty Year Sword. Apparently there are five colors used throughout on quotation marks which indicates what character is speaking. There were only 1000 copies released. 50 of these are signed with a "Z" in one of the five colors and first copy has "MZD" written in ink. I want one. There are a couple of copies being sold on Amazon for about $170 and one on ebay for $89. I'm severely tempted to spend money that I shouldn't. In other Mark Z. Danielewski news, there are open auditions to read parts of his upcoming novel, Only Revolutions. There's going to be an audio project which coincides with the release of the hardcover on September 12th (Peter Scolari's birthday!) and you may be chosen as the voice of one of the characters. [Insert transition here] The little light behind the screen on the radio in my car that allows me to see what station is playing went out a couple months ago. Yesterday, it reappeared. Welcome back little light.

Chicago

2006-06-20T11:19:00.000-07:00

I received an e-mail today addressing me as Professor, which made me laugh, to tell me about the "clicker revolution". It also made me think of the debate of correct terminology, which often comes down to a Northern Illinois vs. Southern (or Central, which is really Southern) Illinois. For instance, do you call it a clicker or a remote? Clicker. Is it pop or soda? Pop. Cardinals or Cubs? Cubs. Although I find it interesting that it's very rare to find a White Sox fan anywhere South of I-80. I got a knock on my door this morning, which was pretty eventful since it is a very rare occasion, and was delivered my copy of Colin Meloy's book on The Replacement's Let It Be. Woot! There was just a clap of thunder that lasted for almost a minute; my first thought: awesome. And, I've learned that Sufjan Stevens is going to be at the Metro on my birthday. So that's a nice gift.